Newspaper temptations


A while back the far-out Hasidic newspaper der Tzitung printed a picture of American politicals, with Hillary Clinton removed. Apparently it is their policy to “not include any images of women in the paper because it could be considered sexually suggestive”.

This is horrible.

What, we men are so weak even a single picture of Hillary Clinton would send us running to the bathroom, the paper clutched in a sweaty paw? Surely that is a ludicrously lopsided view of the situation. What about the women, then, that have to look at the paper with its suggestive pictures of male politicals? Are women not tempted?

Do the newspaper-men not realize the plight of their women? Every paper bulges with men, men — Biden, Lieberman, Rove, man after man, all sexually suggestive as any picture of any man will be!

Clearly this is terrible — there can be no pictures of any people in a righteous newspaper.

But there is something yet worse — names. Slithering, seductive foreign names, as if words for sins still uninvented; or familiar names, promising strength, safety, familiarity… and sweaty sin. Who, man or woman, has not felt the thrill of an euphonious name; wondered what angel-bodied and devil-souled sex god could carry such a name? Whisper to yourself: Agnes Gonxha Bojaxhiu… Joseph Aloisius Ratzinger… do these names not reek of forbidden and exotic places, and the sultry sins of nights fragrant with the lotus-smells of godless temptation?

Such temptation is too much to be presented to frail, easily tempted mortal men and women: to let them fantasize over the allure of these sounds is alike to giving a child a razorblade made of pure evil.

Clearly the righteous newspaper can have no images of people, nor their names; I trust with these modifications such a newspaper would become much better.

* * *

This just in from Righteous Entertainment News: “________, ________ and ________ have been nominated for Lifetime Achievement Academy Awards. Their films are sin; do not watch them.”

One Response to “Newspaper temptations”

  1. Margaret K. Westfall Says:


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