Grotesque argumentation

Tonight, for the pressing issue of eating apples, it is John Q. Public of the Public Coalition for Goodness, and Alice Eve Robert from the public pressure group “Screaming!”

John: Good evening, all. And straight to the point — eating apples is evil, because it is unnatural! It is something animals do not do; and thus if we do it, we become no better than animals ourselves. I rest my case.

Alice: Animals so do eat apples. So should we! Also, who are you to say people cannot eat apples if they want to? If eating apples makes people feel good, who are you to judge? It’s licking floors for some, apples or genocide for others — keep your meddling nose out what people want! I rest my case!

John: The trustworthy report I hold in my upraised hand contradicts all scientific consensus by suggesting eating apples causes death. Also cancer. I would not trust such a radical finding, if it was not funded by me.

Alice: Are we not in America? Are we not in the land which was founded on freedom for all, by founders that utterly repudiated every ill known to man? Including slavery, racism, homophobia and misogyny, and not eating apples. How dare you suggest eating apples is un-American? Show the balls which dare do this, and I shall with my fist of justice repudiate them… utterly!

John: P-shaw! Your distortions enrage and delight me. It is well known unto the level of a popular anecdote and a snappy zinger that George Washington hated apples; why do you think he did the apple tree down in the first place? He knew the face of the worm of temptation in it, and he could not lie! Dare you say George Washington, commonly accepted as the Wisest Human Being, could have been wrong? He saw this — he saw all this with his magical god-man vision, and in this pamphlet I have decoded his will on it, and cloning too!

Alice: Hah! I call upon a higher authority — the Bible says, in the Book of Wernstrom, “do what thou wilt; for doing doth please the Lord”. This is the overall nice happy message of the Book of Wernstrom, including apple-eating, so there!

John: Foul blasphemer! Read ye not the whole of the Book of the Most Holy and Sacred Wernstrom the Detailer — for in the One Hundred and Ninety-Ninth Chapter saieth he: “Also eat not apples as gruel is eaten, for I Wernstrom declare that maketh a man a habitation of demons!”

Alice: Enough! I’m pro eating — he’s contra eating! I’m for something; therefore I am right. Allowing something is the trend; come follow me! We are demonstrating minority happy people — they are dour depressing official people — support the happy people, and eating apples!

John: Enough yourself! I’m pro morals and contra sin — incidentally eating apples is contra morals and pro sin, because I say so! It offends me, it makes me feel bad and it makes you feel icky and weird — so no to eating dem apples! That’s what Adam would have said!

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