So the apes are rising

Saw a trailer for “Rise of the Planet of the Apes”. Apparently it has apes becoming super-intelligent and conquering the world, leading to the setting of the original movie(s). (Though I doubt if the filmmakers will really go through with that — human extinction is not a universal happy ending, so (as a guess) I’d say the monkeys get put down, except for one that skitters away, implying the eventual human extinction result at some later date which will not distract from the happy survivor ending except as a bit of Fridge Horror.)

A second note: The trailer, and the apecalypse, apparently begins with attempts to find a cure to brain damage. And inevitably there’s a shot of a hateful, despicable, mindless though not actually brain-damaged little twit that defecates to my inner ear that festering idiocy, that there are things we were maybe not meant to know or do.

I have strong feelings about that kind of comments. (“Mr. Pasteur, there are thing men are not meant to know!“)

Finally: so the apes rampage. Fine. Does the movie take place in an American city? In one with a zoo, maybe, or lots of animal testing monkeys?

Just how many monkeys is that?

Fifty?

One hundred?

A couple of hundreds?

Just how dangerous can that kind of a mini-mob be? These are supposed to be smart monkeys, not giant ones with laser eyes and plutonium breath.

I don’t know how smart the apes will be, but if they’re human-level we’re talking of a gang of thugs that can’t even blend in with the populace. That don’t even know from experience what doors, cars, guns, lifts, phones, computers, explosives, radios are (or how the eff they work) — and you’d need a miracle brain to just look at something like that and go “Ha! My puissant primate cogitation has unraveled the mysteries of steering!”

Then try doing that all the time, while not at all blending in — it sounds hopeless. Suppose a gorilla learns to read. How many hours on Wikipedia would it need to formulate a human-resistant plan for guerilla warfare, beginning with not even knowing the extent of technological, psychological and social things it doesn’t know!

Hypothetical smart gorilla: “We wait where they go for food, and hit them with sticks! I google BANANAS to find where humans go. Also, as I smart, CAUSES OF DEATH… I will get this cancer stick and kill humans with it! Hit them in the head when they go to Banana Bar!” And don’t get me started on language — becoming smart is one thing, becoming smart in Bulgaria is something else. Even if you puzzle out writing, you don’t just magically get the vocabulary necessary for learning new things!

(And wait… natural monkeys/apes/gorillas have something of a language, but surely that’s not enough to communicate their new ideas to each other. How much time do you need until you can hash out some kind of a super-ape-language? Good luck co-operating!)

The apes would be flattened by the police and the national guard in five hours flat. Those that ran for the hills would be shot by an irate hick as they tried to burgle a doghouse.

And even if the film takes place on the edge of Africa, and even if the ape-smartening-thing spreads… how many apes and monkeys and the like are there in the whole world?

There are six, seven billion humans. How many other monkeys are there, living non-urban hunter-gatherer lives in the jungle; a few million maybe? Maybe even less? Are we supposed to think the monkeys are so bloody smart then can fight an industrialized, distinct, nuclear-armed enemy while outnumbered a thousand to one?

Don’t mistake me, I’m going to go see the movie when it comes out in Finland (just to see if Mrs. Not-Meant-To-Know gets gruesomely killed), but the premise seems silly.

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