Tempted by crime

So when I publish a post in the current version of WordPress, I get a screen that has statistics: this many-eth post, this many words; and a few random ideas for the next post.

For the previous Bear fiction post, one of the ideas WordPress offered was this:

If you could get away with committing one crime, what would you do?

That… that does not seem like a well thought-out idea to push at people.

What if my answer included a picture of a specific person, and a picture of a knife?

Or “If I could get away with it, I’d pee in the municipal water supply. Usually really strict regs at the workplace, though, most of the time.”


Mind you, I’ve nothing against necrophilia, in principle, provided the sort-of-theftish aspect of it could be negotiated away… COME BACK READERS COME BACK I’M NOT DOING IT.

Feels to me the results of this WordPress suggestion could range from readership failure to a contact from the police; which generally speaking is not what you want to be prompted to write.

With these notes, what first comes to mind is “whatever would make me fabulously wealthy”. After that, the various altruistic goals could be achieved using money, not crime, and from a position of much increased comfort.

(Wait, this isn’t one of those bullshit trick questions, where you’re supposed to half-faint, confess crimes are beyond you, and quote Crime and Punishment for the crushing feeling of guilt etc. etc.? In that case DISREGARD THIS POST I SUCK IN INTERPRETATIONS.)

Money, though, is dull. And saying something like “killing horribly and permanently misguided political person X” is both creepy, and unlikely to effect much anything given most movements aren’t bound up in the life of one single person. And killing annoying musicians is counterproductive because then there will be nothing else on the radio. What other crimes are there?


Well, defecating on the steps of the Parliament building and getting away with it sounds like a nice lark.

Unambitious, a waste of a dark wish; but an amusing thought.

And thinking of the thrill aspect of it, there’s something thrilling in the sheer horror of, “hey! I committed a crime against humanity and got away with it!” — but accomplishing that would require some starting position of power and authority, which a graduate student doesn’t have — not even a professorship would do. (“Professor Hackenslash, for your treatment of freshmen during Analysis I, you are hereby found guilty of crimes against humanity, and sentenced to prison with no possibility of parole… for eleven days.”)

So as something to inspire a blog post with, that suggestion is a total and utter fail—

Wait, 498 words? I am mistaken!

So, er, I guess “making our dean drop naked and hogtied to the middle of a student rally” is the best I can think of for the use of a crime I could escape. That and a load of money. And meanwhile here’s a picture of a knife and a picture of —

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