To enliven the office environment

  • Take a blank sheet of A4 or whatever the copier or printer uses. Scribble “THIS IS CRAP!” in the margin; put somewhere in the middle of the communal printer’s or copier’s paper stack. (or “will this shit really fly???”)
  • Use the Internet to acquire a picture of a photocopy of someone’s hindquarters. Take a photocopy of that picture, and leave it in the copier’s tray. (You’d be crazy to model yourself.)
  • Abandon a USB stick in the coffee room. The stick is empty; also, its name is not “KINGSTON” or “4 GB DEVICE” but “BOMBPLANS”.
  • Visit a maker of custom-texted coffee cups. Leave one in the coffee room, with a text of “You have to be insane to work here”, or “I will not die alone”.
  • Visit the same, inquire about the full range of objects that can be manufactured with a text or image of your choice included. A thong with your university’s logo, left in the toilet, would be just fine.
  • Choose a desk, an office, the like. Every time you walk past or visit, surreptitiously leave a pen or a pencil behind. (For maximum effect, a pen monogrammed with the officeholder’s initials. Better still, after a few pens, the full address and contact details.)
  • Buy a stapler. Attach a tag indicating it belongs to your department, division, etc., and then leave it at the copier spot of the next department over. They will eventually return it to your officefolks. Wait a month; repeat. And repeat.
  • The copier could use a sign saying “Do not use bleached paper”, right? Let the others figure out what, if anything, it means.
  • Ah heck, just put pink paper in the printer.
  • Would it be difficult to order custom watermarked printer paper? (“WANKER”, “behind you”, or the dean’s home phone number)
  • You know you can buy bottles of animal blood over at the superstore? If you had a vial with you and you spilled it on the bathroom floor, you’d have to hurriedly mop it up, right? Possibly in such hurry you didn’t quite get it all.
  • Alternately, were you at the smoking spot outside, who says you couldn’t slip and dump the rest against the wall? Such shame, it being the bottle of blood that had the grits in it and all.
  • Buy thumbtacks. Each day, push one more into the communal noticeboard. (For added effect, paint a numeral on each. 1 for the first, 2 for the second, and so on. Then skip all primes greater than five.)
  • Speaking of thumbtacks: tack up a blank sheet of pink office paper on the noticeboard; then rip it away, leaving the four tacks and a corner of pink paper in each. Let people wonder what advertisement was there, and was so hurriedly removed.
  • Buy a Harlequin romance. Choose either the male or the female lead. Cross over all instances of his or her name, and replace with that of someone at the office. First name for first name; surname for surname. Leave in a public spot.
  • Better still, through Dubious Means acquire the actual text of a novel, search-and-replace a few names with those of your co-workers, and print a copy at Lulu (or the similar) with the usual, utterly mundane cover. Leave in the coffee room for people to read. (Or just have the text proceed as usual for the first 80% of the novel, with just two insertions of a lower-case four-letter-word of your choice (“Perchance to fuck dream”); the remaining 20% swiftly degenerates into creepypasta and insult insertions, then the words “do not read” followed by an expletive in half-page-high letters, and then just empty pages and the back cover. No, actually, that’d work better as a gift to someone who reads in dark, lonely places.)
  • Produce a small lemonade bottle half full of urine. Leave in the bathroom on the handwashing stand. (For the empty heavens’ sake don’t leave it in the coffee room. People looking for coffee can be inattentive.)
  • Acquire a syringe and a sooty spoon. Leave to dry wherever the coffee mugs are drying.
  • Leave a pair of female underwear in the men’s toilet. Then, for great equality, leave an empty condom wrapper in the women’s toilet.
  • Send a card addressed to a John McFakename to your department’s address; the contents, just a happy-birthday wish. Then send another card. Then a third, with a childish scribble and best wishes from “Alike age 5 yrs old”. Include vague hints that, yes, this is the department John should be working in.
  • Most keyboards have keys that can be pried off. Switch S and A. (It is probably possible, but horribly difficult, to rewire a keyboard to actually register S as S and A as A even after this. Then again, observe the make of office keyboards and buy one just like them; you have time to tinker when not at work. And if that doesn’t work, well, then you have plenty of spare keys to leave floating in the toilet bowl, one each day.)
  • Print this; place in a prominent place. Your job is done.

You can really see it’s Friday.

One Response to “To enliven the office environment”

  1. Margaret K. Westfall Says:

    ooooh these are good.
    Happy Friday!

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