My proud university has a homepage, a clunky monstrosity so designed that it must be hiding at least a dozen Minotaurs, some of which eat string. Hidden in that maze is a cluster of blogs by (a) leader types and (b) weird people that volunteered to write.
It would be much too cruel to quote those postings, so I shall simulate to explain why I don’t often read them:
- I am the Master. I hear the beating of the drums of funding! You shall be beaten, if the funding does not arrive! 13% of our funding comes from the number of dogs in auditorium A! Some projects, and I will not name names but YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE CRAVENS have not been producing dogs into auditorium A. They should remember fulfilling arbitrary criteria is the reason for their continued existence.
- I HAVE EARTHSHATTERING IDEA WILL MAKE UNIVERSITY WIN ALSO SHATTERED EARTH BUT UNIVERSITY WILL WIN NO BIGGIE
- I am the Master again. I saw a nice movie yesterday. Let me wax eloquent about it, puppies and flowers for a while. Flowers are beautiful, but they need to die. There are many people in our university, that have not been working to their best efficiency. The Thing. Many people think this is a bad thing, but I love puppies. It’s either our researchers or the puppies, and the researchers have not been working to their best efficiency. The knives are hungry. Choices have to be made, and you have to be cruel to be kind. Very, very cruel.
- Surely we have the right to disagree? This is not China, where the opposition vanishes into prison camps, or Nazi Germany, where troublesome academics get a bullet to the back of neck? Or is that what the Administration wants??? Blood, purges, imprisonment, a forced march Nazi salute party-line conga into the cheesegrater of oblivion! I will be punished for saying this! I’m a bad boy! Back and to the left! Back and to the left! No conspiracy! :-)
- The Master here. I’ve heard it said computers make life easier. Mine doesn’t. I just spent 30 minutes approving a travel plan. I don’t know if he will go to Stockholm now, or to the North Pole. I am not to blame for this. To adapt De Morgan, “Bosses have bosses, who have bigger bosses ad infinitum.” And to adapt Hofstadter, The Boss Over Servile Subjects (BOSS) is an endless upwards spiral, out of which these eldritch abominations we call software come down, unbidden, unliked and unwieldy. Such is life. I would weep, if I had not my eloquence to comfort me.
- The Lord is speaking now. Efficiency is the watchword of the Lord, the sound and fury of the university. We must be hard, for the world is hard. We must be harder than stone, so the stones of the Evaluation will not hurt us. We must be colder than death, so the Death-Which-Is-Competition will not chill us. We must nail our eyes to the loadstar of governance, talents, resources! Glory, majesty, unity! My eyes have seen the glory of the coming of the glory of the Eternal University! Yale and Harvard shall groan under our heel… WE WILL BE A WC UNIVERSITY!
- We were promised the Burning Times were over, never to cast their ebony shadow upon us again. But again the rats of the Administraitors swarm and gnaw, and another round of expulsions and executions is upon us! As in the fable of Hamelin, the piper is calling — one may even ask, who’s paying the piper? And when will he get his due? Does piping pay? And, to further the metaphor, the simile and the fleur-de-merde, why haven’t we heard a peep (to pardon a pun) of these peppery pipers of false prophecy? I’m sure everyone is in favor of living, but at what cost? And what coast do these fowl flautists of flatulence masquerading as received international wisdom that may not be all that wise but just doom steer us at? See them flinch from the frustrating rapier of my witticisms! Allons-y!
- Everything is fine. The beatings will continue. —The Mgt
- This fine ship is sinking. In few years’ time, only rats will scurry in the ruins of this place. Only rats, and the pestilential bloated thing which we call, “The Management”. It drives away all will to work — to love — to live! It makes … … … I will tell the audient void. Vanity of vanities, all is vanity! There will be an applet to allocate time used in applets, and the SECOND TIER TO THE VORTEX will RISE! My cube-day is near done! Heed the warning! Watch the skies! THE RECTOR IS PEOPLE!
Also, passive-aggressive attempts at humor by people who think they’re much cleverer than they are. (See above.)
Most often I rather read Youtube comments.