Christmas Special: Xmas at the Christs

Today our Christmas Special comes from Heaven itself; and from the original first family: Joseph, Mary and Jesus Christ. In this sneak peek to the whole evening extravaganza of laughter, memories and good time, the true trio answers a few precollected questions from the audience, as best as they can!

*

Audience question: “Christmas, then and now. Do you think anything has changed?”

Mary: “Oh, everything has changed! Look at my widdle baby. How time flies, it really does. Now King in Heaven, yesterday born in a stable, the day before conceived in a—”

Jesus: “MOOOM!”

Joseph: “Mary, let’s not get into that.”

Mary: (giggles) “Oh yes, this is a family show after all, and not Bethlehem After Dark.”

Joseph: (laughs) “I— oh, you wouldn’t, would you?”

Mary: (laughing) “Oh God, yes, oh my God, yes, oh yes—”

Jesus: “Mom! Dad! Please!”

*

Audience question: “Back on track. Has anything changed… Joseph?”

Joseph: “No mangers, now. Not necessarily an improvement.”

Mary: “Shush, dear.”

Joseph: “I like mangers. Good solid carpentry.”

*

Audience question: “To Joseph. You’ve been the silent one of the Holy Family for a long time. With all the fame that’s come to your son and your wife, do you feel left out?”

Joseph: “Well, that’s a bit blunt isn’t it? (laughs) I’m not jealous if that’s what he’s asking! I’m just a simple carpenter. Carpentering is what I do; if you need a cabinet, get to me. Some people do seek me out; they’re nice people usually, not the pushy sort you sometimes see round Miss and Sonny, no offense meant. Why, last August I spent a whole week with this Russian guy Vasili, black hair, scowly face. A true artist. A true master. He could do things with a plane you wouldn’t believe. A chair bottom so smooth it’d be a miracle — pardon — if someone could get a splinter off it!”

Audience question (cont’d): “How do you feel about your son?”

Joseph: (unsure) “The son, you mean?”

Audience question (cont’d): “Jesus?”

Joseph: “I can’t complain, can I? I wouldn’t be just stupid to say he could have done better, I’d be outright blasphemous! Though, I’m a little bit disappointed he didn’t take to carpentry, I must admit. I kept thinking the son-of-God thing was just a phase, he would get over it… then he gets crucified. I mean, that’s cruel irony there. A carpenter’s son, killed on a piece of carpentry. And not a good piece either. Sorry if I come off as morbid, but no son of mine should be killed on a shoddy cross like that. Was surprised the bar didn’t drop off halfway through it. Substandard Philistean work the whole thing; typical of the Romans, always hiring a cheap illegal immigrant to do a honest man’s work, cheaply and badly. If I’d built the cross he would have stayed up there! There! I’ve said it!”

Jesus: “DAAAAD!”

Joseph: “(laughs) Sorry. Got carried away there.”

*

Audience question: “To all of you. How has fame affected you?”

Jesus: “It’s been wonderful! I don’t mean to brag, but I really feel I’ve made a positive difference in the world.”

Mary: “I’m so proud of my little son. You wouldn’t believe all the causes he’s for! Environment! Disarmament! Peace! Slavery! Germany! Chastity! Sodomy! Compassion—”

Jesus: (laughs) “Yeah, I’ve done a lot. I’m a big believer in consciousness raising. It’s one thing to believe in something yourself; it’s a whole other thing if you can point at me and say, ‘He’s doing it. Why’re you not doing it?’ Works beautifully.”

Joseph: “I think I answered this question already. Let me show you this cart Vasili and I—”

*

Audience question: “What has been your biggest mistake, and how you got over it? Jesus?”

Jesus: “Second Coming. No question about it, the Second Coming. It’s the sophomore thing, you know? Sophomore slump? You get one big success, there’s no way the next one will measure up. And, now that I’m past it I can admit it, it was my super-artistic crazy abstract period—”

Mary: “Don’t be too hard on yourself.”

Jesus: “— and it wasn’t all that good. I thought I should simplify, simplify, get back to basics, make the package nice and tight… and then I chose Moesia. Seriously, like two people showed up. And one of them was a horse. Like, the greatest prophet bomb ever. Absolutely no impact. I waited for the write-ups, but they just didn’t come. I think the horse ate the other disciple. (shakes head) That wasn’t a good teaching. Sometimes I get the feeling I was a one-hit prophet—”

Mary: “Don’t be so hard on yourself!”

Jesus: “— but then I look around and say, I got my family, I still got followers, and I’m the King of Heaven and the Lord of All Creation. I guess what I’m saying is you just gotta have faith in yourself.”

Audience question: “What has been your biggest mistake, and how you got over it? Mary?”

Mary: “I feel really, really bad about James. I put way too much pressure on the poor boy. I don’t want to say I was a bad stepmother or anything, but when one of your sons becomes the literal Son of God, you can start asking the impossible of the others.”

Jesus: “You gotta admit, Mom, that Baal bit was hilarious.”

Mary: “Shush. An embarrassment, it was. ‘Son of Baal’, really? I blame myself. But he made a good turn, and works for Jesus now.”

Jesus: “My big brother, working for me. Living the dream, Mom, living the dream.”

Mary: “Oh, Jesus Christ!” (laughs)

Audience question: “What has been your biggest mistake, and how you got over it? Joseph?”

Joseph: “Delaying getting into joints. Seriously. Whether you choose birdsmouth or dovetail can be the difference between masterpiece and kindling, so I’m pretty sure life would have been much easier for me if I’d started paying attention to that much earlier. That’s it, basically.”

*

Audience question: “So what’s in the future for the Christs?”

Joseph: “I’m thinking about ironworking. Just as a hobby. I could use a good chariot.”

Mary: “Nothing special. But I might need to get a new photo album!”

Jesus: “Worldwide peace. Snuggles for everyone. And a gay black she-Pope!”

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