The past year

Everywhere else, there are retrospectives of 2011.

Those are boring.

You do not want to read more of those. (Does a Jedi hand wave, and a maniac grin.)

On the other hand, 1982 was a good year, wasn’t it?

It was the year of the Commodore 64; the year of the Falklands War; the year of the first emoticons and the first CD (Billy Joel, 52nd Street, Japan); the year of Thriller; the year Time’s Man of the Year was… THE COMPUTER!

(Go back to the Fifties and tell; there would have been some sci-fi writers very excited to hear that. Unfortunately 1982 was not the year of the Android Personhood Amendment; that will be 2025.)

(As a result of watching six seasons of Doctor Who, I have built my own TARDIS out of a Porta-Potty — much more inconspicuous than a “police call box” — and so having a time machine I have went and will see the future. I could give you betting hints, but with the International Ball-Shaped Objects and Horses Ban Treaty of 2012 you wouldn’t have much time to profit.)

(Also, 2012: the Year Facebook Becomes Sentient. And you thought Skynet was malevolent, you. Ha ha ha. Also, a tip: the trick to defeating it is all the people of the world chanting, “Google-Plus, we believe in you!”)

(Also about 2012: no apocalypse. Albania is vaporized, though; but that is just because the latter part of 2012 is the Year CERN Conquers the World. Except it’s not the physicists that are behind that — physicists are notoriously shiftless, lazy and unreliable, I have two for brothers — and the whole thing is the brainchild of Stormageddon, the CERN janitor’s cat. He should have known the main accelerator is not an acceptable substitute for tick remover. So I’m just saying, be prepared for a two-month period of feline tyranny towards the end of 2012. Cultivate a taste for cat videos and the like. Collect a discreet stash of cat-on-cat pornography, maybe. Buy some catnip. Install a catflap. Badmouth some dogs. There’s always the possibility of coming out of the chaos the King of Manitoba.)

(The careful reader may have intuited that that’s some preparation for the advent of one cat; but of course there are more. Indeed, with the vaporization of Albania, the resultant mists of weird bosons will turn all the cats of this planet into super-Einsteinian geniuses. And because cats don’t have scruples, soon hyperintelligent cyborg tyrant cats everywhere.)

(By 2013, it is well accepted that LHC had nothing to say on the Higgs boson — however, the cat supervillainy boson (K^\pm) exists, and causes a revolution in catquantum catdynamics. Which is what quantum dynamics will be called. It’s a revolution! You just strap a sandwich to the back of a cat, drop it — rotation starts 30 cm above the floor because the cat will land on its feet, and the sandwich on the buttered side — you fire some K^\pm into the rotator, and you get limitless cheap non-polluting energy by turning the rapidly rotating gloatons into electricity. You can power a laptop with a kitten!)

(The downfall of the Kittenian regime of 2012? Well, have you ever tried herding cats?)

So, ah, 1982 was a good year. 2012 will be an exciting year too.

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