I don’t think I’d be a good DM no more

Player One: “Okay, I cast Detect Evil on the mayor.”

Dungeon Master: “Um, okay. The mayor glows kind of an indeterminate color, and you get the feeling he has broken several propriety laws of Dwarfhome this week, though nothing particularly serious.”

P1: “What?”

DM: “Probably Lust (Unacted), Disrespect to Rock (Medium) and Sizeism (Serious). Not too bad for a human.”

P1: “What shit is this?”

DM: “Detect Evil. You’re the Dwarf Cleric, right? You detect him as ‘minor evil’. If you want to Smite Evil, it’s at minus two.”

P1: “But… wait, is he the thief? The one who stole the Lich’s Jewel?”

DM: “You have no idea.”

P1: “What, theft is not evil now?”

DM: “A human, stealing something from a lich? Sorry, the only categories of possession that dwarven morality recognizes is ‘of Dwarfkind’ and ‘of an individual Dwarf’. Clumsypeople swapping possessions is morally neutral.”

Player Two: “What the fuck? This demented fucker is supposed to be our cleric?

DM: “Er, Irene, I’d like to remind you your Half-Elven Rogue has a… delicate morality, too.”

P2: “But I’m a good thief! Chaotic good!”

DM: “Which means that any concept of possession that goes contrary to your opinion is EVIL.”

Player Three: “This is stupid. My Barbarian Berserker quaffs a Potion of Detect Evil. I’m Lawful Good. I’ll get this.”

DM: “Okay. So, a deep violet tingling spreads throughout your body, your friends see your eyes start to glow gold, and you see three people start to glow the red of bad, bad, immoral evil…”

P3: “Oh goody. Who?”

DM: “The mayor; you intuit his unwillingness to co-operate is the Sin of Obstinacy. The cleric—”

P1: “Hey!”

DM: “—for she is a member of an inferior race, and a priest of the false god Bel-Sambamaster, and guilty of the Sins of Heresy and Impurity. And the thief—”

P2: “Hey!”

DM: “—for being a thief because, hey, the Sins of Thieving and Living in Sin. Also, Wearing Pants and Onanism. Plus three to Rampage Multi-Kill if you attack them all now.”

P3: “Are they good for XP?”

DM: “Oh yes.”

P3: “Blood and gore for the Good God!”

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