Proposal for a TV series

The main characters are Liisa and Tapio. They are Finns that have recently moved into New York.

Liisa is a woman. She talks. (In contrast, Tapio doesn’t. Ever.) Her English is perfect, obviously, because otherwise the viewers would be irritated. Her understanding of the English language and the American way of life is less than perfect.

It would be traditional to include several American characters that would be the foils of the madcap Finns, learn to understand, tolerate, care, love, friendship, etc. etc., but no, not in this series.

Because this series is poised to monetize the brutal, wordless, amoral, homicidal attitude Finns are known for. (There will be ads that make sure this is what Finns are known for. Sorry, real-life Finns.)

In each episode, Liisa and Tapio get in a fix, and then get into worse and worse circumstances. Each episode ends with Tapio, the passive participant, going loco over a hilariously nonsensical slight and killing everyone. The next episode stars all-different exciting guest stars, rising stars, cult stars and mostly nude hot people of both sexes!

In episode one (“Pilot”), L&T are stuck at JFK passport control because rye bread is a controlled substance and Tapio was carrying 17 traditional knives (puukko) under his vest. (Traditional check-in at Helsinki Airport was traditional: “It’s for arts and crafts!”)

Liisa’s attempts to untangle them fail hilariously, mostly due to her explaining the knives do not really make Tapio any more lethal than he already is. We learn Tapio is an ex-Finnish-army sergeant, fired for strangling a moose. (The moose’s family will show up in Season Two. Oh boy, is that going to be awkward!)

When she goes into a rant about all the ways even she, not brawny and not intimidating, could have sabotaged the flight — rant heavily bleeped for Not Giving Hints and because Writers Are Lazy — well, the TSA does not take it well.

Finishing quote: “BLEEP BLEEP decapitating your entire government with an airline ticket and a mouthful of soda!”

Pertinent social commentary is provided when a TSA agent goes on a racist rant. (Remember to include a sympathetic TSA agent or it’s free rectal exams for life, now at the cost of only your dignity!)

The pilot of the episode title — you thought it was a generic title didn’t you? no, this is smart humor! — shows up eventually. Being half-Finnish, he explains the Finnish cultural mores to the sympathetic TSA agent, who sees reason, relents, smiles, breaks the rules, lets L&T into America with the knives and all, and turns to the camera and informs the viewers THIS IS NOT HOW IT WORKS IN REAL LIFE.

Unfortunately the half-Finnish pilot is in the other half a half-bear (that is, 1/2 Finn, 1/4 bear — very common in Finland — the remainder is filler), and Tapio hates bears. The last five minutes are a genre-bending Tarantino-esque fight scene where Tapio kills the pilot, both TSA agents and several unsympathetic fat, rude bystanders, and then explodes the airport.

Subsequently, L&T disappear into New York.

The episodes of the first season of “Finns Kill People” would be:

  1. “Pilot” (as above)
  2. “New Neighbors, also I Stab You Now Be Quiet Fuckit”
  3. “Statue of Liberty, also the Watered With The Blood Thing”
  4. “Revenge of the Bear Clan, also Violence”
  5. “Visit the Governor, also Lots Of People Die”
  6. “Christmas Episode, also Blood Of The Innocents And Other People”
  7. “Mute Button, also Liisa Goes Mute And Also Kills Lots Of People”
  8. “Swedes, also Holy Shit There’re Lots Of Corpses In This One”
  9. “Bear God Is The Only God, also This Is The Blasphemy Gore Porn Episode”
  10. (Controversial Finale) “Domestic Abuse! Nipples! Also Everyone Gets Killed!”

* * *

Other great ideas!

A series about the Rapture! Or the aftermath actually. Very “morally ambiguous”, according to publicity material: the Newly Minted Christians are Pat Robertson folks. The Damned Atheist-Liberal-Types are picked from the threads of Pharyngula, Huffington Post and Daily Kos. (“It was not the Rapture — it was a worldwide smartphone malfunction!”) Those two sides are participants in an End-Times struggle that goes on and on, both sides spouting their ideology and winning some, losing some of the bloody gun battles! As a consequence, the show will have two audiences that hate each other. Think of the Internet buzz! (“I felt for the newest ep! So sad Buff McCross was betrayed by his ladyparts of a wife!” vs. “I felt for the newest ep! So happy to see that misogynist McCross get it!”) Featuring Sean Bean as the supposed Anti-Christ; he dramatically dies at the first season finale and is resurrected (or is he?) as a cheaper actor.

A low-budget series about a group of hungry young filmmakers, working as extras for a hugebig series production and making, on the side, a cheap-o comedy series of their own. (Note: Filmed reality-style concurrently with one of the above. Po to the mo!)

A series about a blogger. His/her life is complicated when s/he discovers the Internet has become sentient and fallen in love with him/her. Cat videos galore! Unfortunately, the Internet’s idea of romancing him/her is a lot like trolling. Also, his/her friends start to think all those mysteriously free deliveries of electronics, books, sex aids et al are suspicious. And then, after a spat, the Internet reports him/her as infringing every single piece of IP ever made. First season finale special guest appearance by Chuck Norris, given lawyer credentials by the Internet.

A series about a group of friends who do a podcast about a popular book series. Also they are time traveling vampires from the 24th century. Huge crossover potential with the previous idea.

A reality series about people who make reality series. Cut so that they seem like the victims of unreasonable demands by a tit-hungry public. Trailer quote: “I’ve got eleven hours of morons talking about their vasectomies, and I need to make them sound like a thrilling ep of America’s Scars in the House: Big Brother Surgery Recovery Edition!”)

A comedy series about people who spontaneously come up with ideas for TV series. One of which ideas is a series about people who spontaneously come up with ideas, etc. etc. Iterate this for 20 minutes; a shockingly bizarre first episode creates huge online buzz! Is this the most addictive crap ever extruded, or genius commentary on the recursive nature of whatsit! TV trolls the viewers! Viewers troll the sweeps! Trolls! Trolls everywhere! Confused seniors tune in for “Seniors react to culture shock” and it’s a 20-minute mix of “2 girls 1 cup”! There’s a contact-us number but it’s a maze of push-buttons and the minotaur is a heavy breather! The series website is a rotating Goatse! The season finale is nothing but 20 minutes of a blank screen! The second season is an Al-Qaeda recruitment video! The live show is a water cannon, with urine! The collectibles are feces! Nausea is the new happiness! Rage is love! Vomit is the new cheering! Ha ha ha!

* * *

In summary, I have no good ideas for TV shows.

One Response to “Proposal for a TV series”

  1. otterdisaster Says:

    If I ever get a billion dollars, I am launching a TV network and immediately hiring you as Vice President in Charge of Programming.

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