Workplace memoranda from the year 2111

551 149 / RE ZERO-G SLEEPING FOR NEWBIES

Ffd from the cleaner. This supervisor suggests newbies don’t annoy the cleaner; he has more drones than there are people on-site, and inefficiency is a dirty word.

“If there is even the tiniest, teeni-weeniest chance, even the ghost of a probability of a hunch, that you have taken a stomach bug, a spoiled meal, or enough other excitement to even hint at the barest possibility of diarrhea… you will wear the vacuum longjohns. You will not say they chafe; you will not say they are not stylish; you will not say you like the open air on your skin and it’s your own nook you sleep in. You will put on the greytape pants, strap yourself to your nook, and sleep happy.

“If you think this is harsh, ask Frankie the Floater about the time she woke up floating in the middle of a galaxy of brown suns and stars. Or ask any of her former bunkmates; you know them by the fact they don’t bunk with her no more. Okay?”

Franchise LaGuardia’s contact details are appended, as is the pamphlet “Zero G and Bodily Functions: All the Questions, and Too Many Pictures”.

*

551 562 / MISAPPROPRIATION OF RESOURCES AND ETHICS

It has come to this supervisor’s attention that some of you have been keeping a little cooking experiment in a locker in the changing room next to Laboratory C. Now, as much as this supervisor would like to suppose that has been just misguided initiative and natural curiosity, it is this supervisor’s duty to reiterate the following points.

One, misappropriating the Laboratory C technicals is not cool. Nobody cares about everyone’s small personal projects but really, two kilos of technical gamma? And ten grams of technical omega? Numbers like that start impacting our output, people!

Two, and this supervisor does not by any means suggest this is the motive in play here, but yes, the new regulations do give you leave even over the mainline crunch period if you complete the “project”, but isn’t this a bit much to get away? This year’s mainline will be tough, but really, come on, people!

Three, as for the ethical issues, dear empty heavens, people, the permit is a courtesy, but you can really get into trouble if someone starts retroactively asking if you fit the custodian profile or have had the cylinders inspected. Do you think we’re living in the wild and sticky everything-goes 2010s?

The joker or jokers may get their stupid artificial womb from this supervisor’s office, preferably before the child hatches. Don’t make me run the DNA test to find out whose he is.

*

552 114 / THE ROBOT IS NOT YURI

There has been some confusion over the new kitchen robot, so it falls to this supervisor to set things straight.

First, it is not a cyborg. Yes, it is known it looks like Yuri, our last human cook, did. That’s just something the management though would be a fun customization. This appears to have been a terrible mistake.

Second, continuing on the same subject, the joker that slipped a speaker into the robot’s mouth cavity can go look for her toy in the vacuum outside. Really, people, so “Help me” is funny, is it?

Third, the rumor attached to the case of a broken wrist is not true. The robot doesn’t assault you if you try for seconds. Just don’t go grubbing for it yourself; say what you want, and it’ll slop it out for you. Don’t go sticking your hands in the chest cavity.

Fourth, by all means do engage in casual chitchat with the robot while it works your order. Just don’t expect it to be the same kind of a rumor broker as Yuri was. The management is considering a cortical update to include some of that functionality in the next quarter, AnoHuddleChan or something equivalent, but you all can stop asking the robot where the orgy will be tonight.

Fifth, and this is included because this supervisor knows how you people sometimes think, don’t involve the robot in the orgy. Just don’t. It’s a new machine, and nobody wants its database having that kind of instructions when it’s supposed to do your food.

That is all for now.

*

552 599 / ATTN EVAC 6 JOKERS

Okay, EVA Crew Six, you all have three hours of extra duty tomorrow.

In case the reason for this is not obvious, see the attached abbrev of a medical report on Syaoran Kinomoto, Crew Five’s rookie. Your hilarious stunt of giving him a burger made of nothing but nutritional pills put him in such overnutritional absorbance system shock (whatever that is) that he’ll be out of play for tomorrow, and thus you will fill in.

Nice work, people.

*

552 611 / MAINLINE AND CHILD LEAVE

As regards the current child scandal brouhaha, this supervisor has decided as follows:

First, you are strongly encouraged to not take up growing a child with the aim of birthing during the mainline. This is not a rule; it’s just a wish. Nobody will be penalized for this. Nobody needs to order stagnatives or get into illegal custodian-switching over this. This is the big point the management wants to get out: if you doubt our sincerity, look when former Mgt. Foreman was reassigned. He does not possess the fetishes to make that a preferred career move.

Second, however, we will be requiring a Certificate of Union from families that want to take a parent leave during the mainline; the management will arrange postnatal frozure for the duration of the mainline if the Certificate cannot be worked out.

Note: For this particular part of this ruling you may thank the joker EVA Crew Six, who all decided they were the family unit for Crewmember Laakkonen’s child. Really, people, you really thought sixteen people could swing that? This supervisor shudders thinking of some of you and the demands of the custodian profile.

Third, as per usual procedure, the previous point is waived for doublies. You sweetly old-fashioned lots will be having your hands full anyway, nobody thinks you could be gaming the system. (But let this supervisor make it perfectly clear that anyone, anyone that starts snarling “every child needs more than two parents” will be given punitive fertilizer rotator duty.)

Fourth, as for parent leave NOT during the mainline, a Declaration of Planned Parenthood suffices.

*

(Inspired by a smart post, followed by a smart comment thread, by Cat Valente on Charles Stross’s blog. Also inspired by me having watched all of the anime Planetes recently.)

(Also, first thought “…from year 2099”, then “…from year 2112”, then finally thought of a year that didn’t have that blatant associations with an already existing fictional future.)

(Also, I don’t know what some of the details above are. The mainline, I have no clue except that it’s crunchtime. And as for why the management will arrange postnatal frozure and not a nanny, well obviously in this future it would be inconceivably perverse for the family to not share the newborn’s first weeks. After the whole hassle of gene sampling and permits and vats and cylinders and decanting, the family of course wants to get to know the child. It’s not like this is some barbaric epoch when unfixed people just boink each other, get rogue pregnant by mistake and pop out a wild baby nine moons later.)

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