Many sexy problems

I have a problem with the word “unisex”.

In Finnish, “uni” means “sleep”, and “sex” is obvious gratuitous English, often used.

So, when I come across the words “unisex toilet” in English text, there’s this small part of my brain which goes, “Wait, sleep sex toilet? Now that’s an image.”

I just thought you should know this.

* * *

Now I’ll just sit back and wait for the inevitable google hits of “sleep sex toilet”. In case one brought you here, sorry, I don’t have the pictures or the stories you seek; but I applaud your interest in a non-mainstream combination. Let me tell you about this John Holmes/Sherlock Holmes crossover time travel story that I’ve been writing, called—

Oh shoot; s/he fled.

* * *

Here’s a thought: take a list of sexual fetishes, and take any three. Is there material about that? Somebody should do a bit of programming and a lot of soul-scarring googling and find out how the densities lie. For any two, the answer is, obviously there is material, well duh; but any three? Or suppose you take two fetishes and a random third word?

Is there, say, Volcano Blonde Lesbianism? (How do you process that? Is “volcano blonde” a type of a person? Or does “volcano” indicate a new sex act? Do you need specifically blondes for it? Oh ghod, this is girls and cups again isn’t this.)

If I had the resources (“…to the Kickstarter!”?), I would start up a company whose goal would be to provide such random-generated entertainment. Two fetishes and a random word, guaranteed perplexing and hot! “Redhead Bukkake with Pears!”

“Asian Legs on the Ground!”

“Nun Nurse and an Ultrasound!”

“Domination Watersports…and a Wren!”

The obvious problem is that any word sounds like a sexual euphemism in this context. (“U hur hur, I’d sure like to ultrasound her abdominal wall, if ya know what I mean.” — “Doctor Jones, please.“)

But hey, that’s a psychology research project: “What is this word a sexual euphemism for, in your opinion? After surveying 20k people and over 5k words, we found the highest penile density among rod-like objects, confirming our first hypothesis. Of the surveyed politicians, ‘Mitt Romney’ was most frequently seen as an euphemism for—”

(I don’t need to write that. “Mitt”, for crying out loud. The only mystery is what kind of a perverse modifier “Romney” is.)

(As in, “My boyfriend was away, so I had to mitt myself.” — “Did you mitt romney yourself too?” — “Ew no, that is disgusting. Did you and yours ron a paul last night?” — “Oh, go rick santorum!”)

(Coming out next fall, “I Cheneyed All Over His Bush: US Presidents, Presidential Hopefuls and Political Figures as Sexual Euphemisms: Essays in Interpretation”, from Oxford Cambridge Yale Harvard Yale Double Harvard University Press!)

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