Where do Finns come from

Google asks; I answer.

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I

Finns come, traditionally, out of the sky. After heavy snowfall, you could go out and find babies crawling and mewling in the fluffy new snow, still swaddled in the strips of cloud that the Olden Gods, the Bear Gods, had wrapped them in.

This theory has been discredited by modern medical science, and hardly any members of the Parliament legislate according to it anymore. This makes the Bear Church wroth, but then again that is their natural state.

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II

Finns come originally from the bend of the river Amur, from the east of Mongolia, slightly to the north of Korea. Finns are, you see, distant relatives of the Japanese. Unfortunately the excessive politeness of our eastern cousins pissed us off thousands of years ago, and we started an epic, bear-filled trek westwards across Siberia (pretty bad) and Russia (worse) until we found this more or less empty place at the north of Europe.

We would have gone further, but it was either the Arctic Sea or Sweden next, and both are likely to make your balls shrivel to nothing. (This is not a joke about effeminate Swedes. Swedes are not effeminate. Even Swedish women aren’t effeminate. Swedes are so manly the two-horned helm of Vikings signified that not only were Swedish warriors this hung, but they had the manhoods of two men, side by side! Sweden is the manliest place in the world; Swedish men have a double manhood because otherwise they would be Swedish women. In Sweden, even four-hooved animals leave five tracks in the snow, and the middle one is not a hoof! In Sweden, trousers have three or four legs! Sweden is awesome and manly!)

(Norway, on the other hand, is shite.)

As for the evidence for this theory of Finland’s origins, history and placement vis-a-vis the borderline of Europe and Asia, well, the people of Finland and Japan are both quiet, respectful of the personal space of others, and I once heard about this Finnish guy who learned Japanese like it was like super easy.

* * *

III

Where do Finns come from, you ask? Why Finns are as they are?

Let me tell you. The direction Finns come from is the direction of darkness and despair; the sub-arctic waste of frozen forests and lean summers. The howl of the wolf, the roar of the bear, the trill of the reindeer, is where Finns come from into this civilized society of yours. Pardon that we do not know of Chardonnay and lacrosse, croissants and afternoon tea; our fathers ate the living flesh off plague-ridden squirrels for sustenance, so we haven’t had the time to acclimate to your fineries.

And why plague-ridden squirrels, you ask? Because Finland’s Mother Nature is a scary lady, and your normal non-plague-ridden squirrels will claw your eyes out and skullfuck you if you try to catch them.

And why the living flesh, why not kill the squirrel first? Well, my fine dandy boy or dapper girl, because by that time the bears would be out, and Finnish bears are four stories tall and use traffic signs as toothpicks. Bears are the reason no Finnish house has windows on the first ten floors; four for the ground reach of the bears, and six more because they climb. Even so, a pro tip: if you sleep in Finland, better choose a room that’s not on the outer wall. You don’t have the reflexes; if a paw with foot-long claws comes through the wall in the middle of the night, you’re more likely to scream than to raise the Alarum Ursine.

Heck, you dainty ones would be shit-all useless if you were here to see the clouds of the Ravening Season, when the bears awaken after the winter, lean and hungry, and swarm in their thousands seeking feed. Those are the days when villages, even cities can disappear off the map of Finland, swept away by packs of beasts that each need the flesh of a dozen men, and beyond that kill for the thrill of blood; when the bears have gone through, nothing will remain except claw-scarred concrete, and paw-bent rebar; nothing but gnaw-broken bones and tatters of amulets the Olden Gods promised would keep the bears asleep.

The gods lied.

We put our trust in steel now.

* * *

These answers are guaranteed to be true, honest and accurate. The previous sentence is guaranteed to be true! As is the previous one! Etc. etc.!

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