Top five negging hits

Negging (def. xkcd): “belittle chicks to undermine their self-confidence so they’ll be more vulnerable and seek your approval”.

Hit #5
“You’re ugly.”

Not many people realize this actually works. You say it; she laughs nervously (“Oh god I’m ugly”), you laugh pleasantly (“Just kidding”); she instantly feels better (“Oh god I’m pretty”); then you can start from the beginning and loop this ten or twenty times until the chick gets dizzy and falls in your lap. Easy as pie, and like pie, proven by mathematicians at Yale; just google “sin wave seduction”! Guaranteed 95% success rate; try it tonight!

Hit #4
“You’re not a professional, are you?”

The answer to this one is an instant denial, of course. A beginner might think a chick would be less willing to put out after this line, but the opposite is actually true. You just have to answer the chick’s flustered denial with the hook: “…a professional longshoreman? That’s what I meant but yeah, you’re right, no. Not with those arms. Those puny, weak arms that couldn’t even strangle a baby kitten. Tiny arms! Useless arms! Shameful arms!” Then flex yours, and after that, success is 96% guaranteed, with 50% probability of anal sex!

Hit #3
“Woah, looks like someone escaped from the burn ward!”

Again, not an intuitive approach: but very effective. Works especially well if you bring a candle to her table. If that’s not possible, keep flicking a lighter on and off. Keep asking if she’s checked for peeling skin today. Lean over and whisper in her ear: “Tonight, burn baby burn!” 50% of chicks fold in 50% of minutes! Success 97% guaranteed; over 80% probability of peeplay! As seen on Youtube by the famous horndog Kirk “I Am Your God Now” Cameron!

Hit #2
EXPERTS ONLY!

“I so very, very much want to slit your throat. And sprinkle your clammy dead body with lime. And bury you in a ditch. Face down. It would make the world a better place. Cleaner. Saner too.  I know sanity. I know you know this must be done so let’s do it now… baby.”

After the chick gasps, add in a quiet monotone, keeping eye contact, leaning closer: “Just kidding. But really, let’s get over to my place. I got to get you out of sight anyways. Just don’t touch me. I’m not happy to see you; it’s a knife. Here, have your coat… and here’s a bag to pull over your hideously malformed face. No, don’t say a thing, I could puke hearing the nauseating warbling gasps you call speech, orang-outan girl.” This is harsh medicine, but it gets you the candy. Success 98% guaranteed, always — 30% chance of snuff sex! Works great on everychick! Used by such famous pickup artists as T. R. “Icebox Hearts” Bundy and G. Leon “The Strangler” Ridgway!

#1

And the #1 negging hit… the solar plexus. Boom! Gets you in 10% of cases, guaranteed, and thanks to feminism, the odds are getting better every day! Pro tip — jump at the right moment, and her hand’s in your crotch. Booyah!

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