Academic retirement cards

One of our math profs is retiring soon — dear Richard, it feels so wrong to think someone who has been there always won’t be, soon — and as a consequence there has been the usual collecting-signatures-to-a-card and pennies-for-a-small-gift routine.

Which led me to think: I don’t think there’s any manufacturer of congratulatory cards that makes one specifically for retiring academics.

There’s a potential for huge profits there. Why, every academician retires sooner or later! Even Morbo the Immortal, professor of chirurgy at Stuttgart for five centuries, is an emeritus now!

So here are a few suggestions.

* * *

(front:) Whenever you gave a lecture, we grimaced…

(inside:) …because it would always end too soon!


Whenever we publish, we’ll think of you. (heart)


Your impact factor is a million… in our hearts.


Dear Professor _____________,

I am pleased to inform you that your paper “Everyone loves me” has been accepted for publication in Journal of True Statements.

The referee had nothing to correct or comment on, because everyone loves you.

Yours sincerely,

Luna Love-love
J. True Stat.


(star) Best Professor of Retirement Ever (star)




It’s time for your retirement.

At last you have time for research.

Be happy!


You get to rest; the dean doesn’t. Good news, eh?


The Administration is says you were a loyal hard worker and devoted to quality and blah and university brand. They say this is a happy occasion.

It really is; you never need to deal with them fuckers ever again.

Happy retirement! Death to administration! Chalk fist salute!


No more teaching ____________ !

No more _______ ________ students of _________ !

You lucky dog!


When we were sharing it with you, coffee was only the second most important thing in the world.

Talking with you was number one. This is not a romantic confession.

Though if it was, we wouldn’t mind all that much.

Great, now this card has turned into potential sexual harassment.

We all love you… but not like that!

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