Top five negging hits

Negging (def. xkcd): “belittle chicks to undermine their self-confidence so they’ll be more vulnerable and seek your approval”.

Hit #5
“You’re ugly.”

Not many people realize this actually works. You say it; she laughs nervously (“Oh god I’m ugly”), you laugh pleasantly (“Just kidding”); she instantly feels better (“Oh god I’m pretty”); then you can start from the beginning and loop this ten or twenty times until the chick gets dizzy and falls in your lap. Easy as pie, and like pie, proven by mathematicians at Yale; just google “sin wave seduction”! Guaranteed 95% success rate; try it tonight!

Hit #4
“You’re not a professional, are you?”

The answer to this one is an instant denial, of course. A beginner might think a chick would be less willing to put out after this line, but the opposite is actually true. You just have to answer the chick’s flustered denial with the hook: “…a professional longshoreman? That’s what I meant but yeah, you’re right, no. Not with those arms. Those puny, weak arms that couldn’t even strangle a baby kitten. Tiny arms! Useless arms! Shameful arms!” Then flex yours, and after that, success is 96% guaranteed, with 50% probability of anal sex!

Hit #3
“Woah, looks like someone escaped from the burn ward!”

Again, not an intuitive approach: but very effective. Works especially well if you bring a candle to her table. If that’s not possible, keep flicking a lighter on and off. Keep asking if she’s checked for peeling skin today. Lean over and whisper in her ear: “Tonight, burn baby burn!” 50% of chicks fold in 50% of minutes! Success 97% guaranteed; over 80% probability of peeplay! As seen on Youtube by the famous horndog Kirk “I Am Your God Now” Cameron!

Hit #2
EXPERTS ONLY!

“I so very, very much want to slit your throat. And sprinkle your clammy dead body with lime. And bury you in a ditch. Face down. It would make the world a better place. Cleaner. Saner too.  I know sanity. I know you know this must be done so let’s do it now… baby.”

After the chick gasps, add in a quiet monotone, keeping eye contact, leaning closer: “Just kidding. But really, let’s get over to my place. I got to get you out of sight anyways. Just don’t touch me. I’m not happy to see you; it’s a knife. Here, have your coat… and here’s a bag to pull over your hideously malformed face. No, don’t say a thing, I could puke hearing the nauseating warbling gasps you call speech, orang-outan girl.” This is harsh medicine, but it gets you the candy. Success 98% guaranteed, always — 30% chance of snuff sex! Works great on everychick! Used by such famous pickup artists as T. R. “Icebox Hearts” Bundy and G. Leon “The Strangler” Ridgway!

#1

And the #1 negging hit… the solar plexus. Boom! Gets you in 10% of cases, guaranteed, and thanks to feminism, the odds are getting better every day! Pro tip — jump at the right moment, and her hand’s in your crotch. Booyah!

Mathrage

So, googling 11/22/63, the name of the Stephen King book, I found out Google also gives you the result of that query as a math problem. This feature is not new, of course; what was new was I noticed the answer was this:

(11/22)/63 = 0.00793650794.

Two points of somewhat exaggerated mathrage about this.

1) That’s not an exact value! Don’t use the equals sign when you’re giving an approximation, you… you brutes! That’s almost of potential error!

(Wolfram Alpha: 1/126 = 0.0079365 and then 079365 repeats forever)

This is not much of an error; but as a mathematician it strikes me as horrendously creepy (you may not feel likewise) to be presented an equals when an approximation is meant. The value may be close; but the kind is vastly different. Suppose you thought that—

Hang on a minute.

Surely not.

No.

Cannot be.

On the search “pi”, I get this:

pi = 3.14159265.

Well, that’s pi then, a nice and clear rational number. Initiate brain hemorrhage!

2) The answer given is at best one of two possible values; at worst, it is total nonsense. The mathematical expression 11/22/63 is monstrously ill-defined, for it contains two divisions without clearly telling which divides what. You could just as well suppose it meant

,

exact.

On the other hand, I hear the book is good, so I shouldn’t make up forced gripes like this. But what else is a math-type going to do? Complain that in the Game of Thrones, note plural, there actually is just one throne?

*

On the other hand, much of Internet is interested in “lulz”, that is, transient and often malicious feelings of excitement and amusement. (As in, Q: “Why did you open a parachuting academy next to the pound, Mr. Larson?” A: “I did for the lulz.”)

I believe it would be possible to determine the exact value of one lul with full pseudoscientific accuracy, and to use it to measure just how amusing all manner of things are.

Experiment one. Obtain data by establishing things of zero lulz. Experiment to be conducted thru Chatroulette.

Experiment two. Obtain data by establishing chains of increasing lulz. Experiment to be conducted thru Chatroulette, with flashing images. (Example: If the subject expresses amusement at Img #1 (“A cat”), more amusement at Img #2 (“A cat in a maid costume”) and least amusement at Img #3 (“Necrosis”), the chain 3<1<2 is implied.)

Experiment three. Hoodwink the gullible public by choosing the point of one lul yourself; they don’t understand you can do this at any value you want! Solicit cash offerings from Internet authorities beforehand; Blogfather J.S. might pay big bucks to have the Baconcat be exactly one lul, ensuring his immortal fame for centuries to come.)

Experiment four. Submit to Acta Math., highest impact factor in mathematics; wait for results. In case the null hypothesis is confirmed, drink heavily, resubmit, get ready for the next project.

Next project: Are pets combustible? Forge a prior OK paper from the university Ethics Committee; blackmail them for big money. Use money to fund next project.

Next project: Orbital laser. Make indecipherable blueprints and build cunning miniatures. Put them in a package and mail it to a random address in the States, dusted with a recreational substance. Once the package is seized by their rabid border authority people and well-behaving dogs, they will find this slip at the bottom: “KGB surplus! For more info, visit” — and then a suspicious Russian web address you have registered beforehand, using an ID borrowed from a Russian post-doc. The address is a confusing maze of nonsensical pages with millions of ads; the CIA, FBI, NSA, WTF, NASA and SS (wait, no, the Secret Service) and the other authorities visiting it, increasingly confused and alarmed, should generate big money. This big money is intimated to go into the next project; while the department worries about that, take the money and dean’s Mercedes and run.

Experiment five. Tahiti: Nice or super?

Proposal for a universal blog feedback form

(From the desk of the Internet
Governance Authority Office,
Bern, Switzerland.)

PROPOSAL FOR

A UNIVERSAL BLOG FEEDBACK FORM

Indicate the main subject, as you have understood it, of the post you wish to provide feedback on.

• dull selfcruft
• cats
• political / religious rant
• fan fiction

(Note. All posts are reducible to a combination of the four choices above. See “No need for ‘news’; use rant plus fanfic”, V. Cerf, Internet Regents Pub. #5011 and “Computers are in the cat-egory”, L. Torvalds, IRP #91011)

I liked this post. Indicate reason:

• clever
• funny
• same prejudices as me
• cats

(Another note. Use cats plus clever for porn. It’s not the most obvious solution, but that’s what the moral guardians let us get away with.)

I did not like this post. Indicate reasons:

• rude
• depraved
• rude and depraved
• adult and infantile content
• too peppy
• subliterate trash
• unwise naivete

(Note. Extensive testing indicates category 3, “rude and depraved” is necessary to reduce wear and tear in the checkboxes of categories 1 and 2. For dislike exceeding all reason, see the next comment prompt.)

I loathed your post. Why?

• ura communist
• UNCLEAN DEVIANT!!!
• UR EXTRREMIST NUTTJOB!
• GOATS ON FIRE

(Note. Category 4, “GOATS ON FIRE”, is reserved for the feedback of Prof. PZ Myers, leaving the remaining 3/4 of hatefeedback to be divided between the other three categories.)

I’m reporting your post. Reason(s):

• racist / sexist / hate speech
• slander / treason / insult unto the glorious republic of Gilead
• PC gone mad! / annoying hipster iUser / I am cranky so fuck you all

(Note. In addition to these three, there is a fourth, “Other, What?” category. Its results will hopefully help to solve firemodem666’s conjecture that “There are four kinds of reportable offenses, and im not telling the 4th”; the SnotHouse IRC, 21st Jan 1998.)

You are the cancer that’s killing the Net. Specify:

• annoying clueless newbie
• bitter old grudgefart
• demented baboon of hatred
• unoriginal thief copypasta spammer
• Lamar Smith (R-TX)

(Note. Categories self-explanatory; note that the word “baboon” is used so Creationists don’t tick all and bounce to “Send”. It is believed this outline finally adequately balances the needs of positive and negative feedback. The form should probably close with a salutation, such as below.)

“Your concerns are noted and stupid. Die in a fire and have a nice day! (choose one)”

Recent advances in theology

A fragment from the desk of Abel Caine, freelance theologianist:

Science has found God. Scientists just call Him “dark matter”. They don’t know what they’re seeing, because they look at it through a telescope, not the Bible. And “dark energy”? The host of angels, ready for the End Days, when the Great Star Beast Satan rises from the Galactic South, when the alien Angels of God’s Wrath descend from the Heavens, their bowels writhing full of the judgments of God! The First Bowel to be loosened will color the waters of this Earth brown, and “woe” is written on that bowel’s plug in letters of fire—

* * *

(Excerpted from an article by Vagua and Travail,
in “PINS: The Journal of Important Theology”,
332 (2011), 209–2011.)

“In His image He made them,
man and woman He made them.”

It is a longstanding problem of advanced theology whether the quote above implies God to be both male and female, and how this is possible. (According to bulla Et Gallus of Pope Narcissus XI, the answer is “No.”)

Advanced computer simulation has suggested that since “God sees all”, it is metaphysically impossible for God to have a back of head, a back, et cetera. (Though it is crude and false to say God has a body, He has a body-form, that is to say, He is incorporeal but not in-corpo-formoreal. To assert the incorpoformity or even the informocorporeality (!) of the Divine is the monstrous heresy of the Hochpferdites.) Hence God’s body has only front sides, a male side on one side, and a female side on “back side” of the male side. (See Helen Frau’s definitive “The REVELATION: God has ten fingers, but twenty fingernails!”)

This confirms the saying, “Devil is the dog’s bollocks”, seeing as the body of God (having no back) has no buttocks, the buttocks being an invention of the Great Enemy, for the reasons of sitting down in idleness and buffering in anal sex. See “Devil likes big butts and always lies”, by Hammertime Youth Ministries. (Note that “dog” is here the usual aversionary byword for “God”, similar to how traditionally the Enemy is called “tac” and Richard Dawkins “elcnu s’yeknom”.)

Research is underway on the matter of the Divine Rectum, viz. whether there is one or two. Father Theo Brown of the Trirectal Confessional has even gone as far as to say there are three: the Voider, the Shunt, and the Holy Gush.

In other news, these theological developments have nailed shut the coffin of atheism; one smart-arse after another has been struck speechless by these subtle arguments! To quote Hoveryn Needle, notorious Internet atheist, “Wow. I… I got nothing. Nothing. I mean… there’s nothing I can say.”

* * *

GNOMA

by Ruprecht Gawdman

It has been revealed to august, serious theologians that some strident atheists have rejected the theory of NOMA, the “Non-Overlapping Magisteria Attack”, as “just a theory”.

To counter this senseless and monstrous rejection, a new theory is here proposed: the GNOMA (The Great Non-Overlapping Magisteria Assault). The problem with NOMA theory has been, according to these pissant bastards, “that religion intrudes on the magisterium of science anyway”. The GNOMA theory acknowledges this as a valid though crude criticism, and introduces the agent of magisteria maintenance, the gnoma.

For example: the healing power of prayer is strictly in the magisterium of religion. If a scientist (magisterium of science) intrudes, with a ruler or some other instrument of science, a gnoma appears and maintains a fractal border separation, ensuring the magisteria are kept apart. The prayer-miracle pipeline remains intact, while the ruler experiences entanglement and dilatates around a black hole. The gnoma operates below Planck length, between chunks of Planck time, unobserved and uncollapsed; the scientist can no more catch the swiftly juggled theo-particles in his pincers than a frail older atheist-type person can outrun a pack of vigorous young Mormon missionaries, who sweep on him/her like penguins on a mission from God towards a tasty fish on the shores of the Antarctic Ocean, their pincerous claws open.

A fish is Christian symbolism, too; and a “tasty fish” refers to the mystical sensation of experiencing God with all senses, including nociception and echolocation.

Since the agency maintaining the separation is a whimsical gnoma, God is not actively being evasive, since that would rightly be below and to the right of the dignity of the Divine; and if the results of intrusive scientific observation result in a terminal outcome, the gnoma and the scientist share the blame: the scientist, for attempting to pierce the Stern Boundary; and the gnoma, for imperfectly functioning due to its whacky free will and inflexible workplace safety regulations.

Note that gnomas are not angelic beings: though as ancient as the universe, they were born, not created; and though ensouled, they have no afterlife, instead reincarnating as gnomas of increased potency: . The lifespan of a gnoma is threescore and ten sidereal years; and they have a dragon’s head, a pin head, and, obviously, a time head.

The theory of GNOMA is to be expounded on in greater detail in the forthcoming book, “Y U SO ATHIEST? World’s Biggest Godmen Tell Why Intolerant Bigot Babyeater Athsits Will Be Forever Alone and Have A Delusion”.

* * *

There, I think that’s all the subtle, sensitive interfaith outreach I’m capable of today.

Where do Finns come from

Google asks; I answer.

* * *

I

Finns come, traditionally, out of the sky. After heavy snowfall, you could go out and find babies crawling and mewling in the fluffy new snow, still swaddled in the strips of cloud that the Olden Gods, the Bear Gods, had wrapped them in.

This theory has been discredited by modern medical science, and hardly any members of the Parliament legislate according to it anymore. This makes the Bear Church wroth, but then again that is their natural state.

* * *

II

Finns come originally from the bend of the river Amur, from the east of Mongolia, slightly to the north of Korea. Finns are, you see, distant relatives of the Japanese. Unfortunately the excessive politeness of our eastern cousins pissed us off thousands of years ago, and we started an epic, bear-filled trek westwards across Siberia (pretty bad) and Russia (worse) until we found this more or less empty place at the north of Europe.

We would have gone further, but it was either the Arctic Sea or Sweden next, and both are likely to make your balls shrivel to nothing. (This is not a joke about effeminate Swedes. Swedes are not effeminate. Even Swedish women aren’t effeminate. Swedes are so manly the two-horned helm of Vikings signified that not only were Swedish warriors this hung, but they had the manhoods of two men, side by side! Sweden is the manliest place in the world; Swedish men have a double manhood because otherwise they would be Swedish women. In Sweden, even four-hooved animals leave five tracks in the snow, and the middle one is not a hoof! In Sweden, trousers have three or four legs! Sweden is awesome and manly!)

(Norway, on the other hand, is shite.)

As for the evidence for this theory of Finland’s origins, history and placement vis-a-vis the borderline of Europe and Asia, well, the people of Finland and Japan are both quiet, respectful of the personal space of others, and I once heard about this Finnish guy who learned Japanese like it was like super easy.

* * *

III

Where do Finns come from, you ask? Why Finns are as they are?

Let me tell you. The direction Finns come from is the direction of darkness and despair; the sub-arctic waste of frozen forests and lean summers. The howl of the wolf, the roar of the bear, the trill of the reindeer, is where Finns come from into this civilized society of yours. Pardon that we do not know of Chardonnay and lacrosse, croissants and afternoon tea; our fathers ate the living flesh off plague-ridden squirrels for sustenance, so we haven’t had the time to acclimate to your fineries.

And why plague-ridden squirrels, you ask? Because Finland’s Mother Nature is a scary lady, and your normal non-plague-ridden squirrels will claw your eyes out and skullfuck you if you try to catch them.

And why the living flesh, why not kill the squirrel first? Well, my fine dandy boy or dapper girl, because by that time the bears would be out, and Finnish bears are four stories tall and use traffic signs as toothpicks. Bears are the reason no Finnish house has windows on the first ten floors; four for the ground reach of the bears, and six more because they climb. Even so, a pro tip: if you sleep in Finland, better choose a room that’s not on the outer wall. You don’t have the reflexes; if a paw with foot-long claws comes through the wall in the middle of the night, you’re more likely to scream than to raise the Alarum Ursine.

Heck, you dainty ones would be shit-all useless if you were here to see the clouds of the Ravening Season, when the bears awaken after the winter, lean and hungry, and swarm in their thousands seeking feed. Those are the days when villages, even cities can disappear off the map of Finland, swept away by packs of beasts that each need the flesh of a dozen men, and beyond that kill for the thrill of blood; when the bears have gone through, nothing will remain except claw-scarred concrete, and paw-bent rebar; nothing but gnaw-broken bones and tatters of amulets the Olden Gods promised would keep the bears asleep.

The gods lied.

We put our trust in steel now.

* * *

These answers are guaranteed to be true, honest and accurate. The previous sentence is guaranteed to be true! As is the previous one! Etc. etc.!

Many sexy problems

I have a problem with the word “unisex”.

In Finnish, “uni” means “sleep”, and “sex” is obvious gratuitous English, often used.

So, when I come across the words “unisex toilet” in English text, there’s this small part of my brain which goes, “Wait, sleep sex toilet? Now that’s an image.”

I just thought you should know this.

* * *

Now I’ll just sit back and wait for the inevitable google hits of “sleep sex toilet”. In case one brought you here, sorry, I don’t have the pictures or the stories you seek; but I applaud your interest in a non-mainstream combination. Let me tell you about this John Holmes/Sherlock Holmes crossover time travel story that I’ve been writing, called—

Oh shoot; s/he fled.

* * *

Here’s a thought: take a list of sexual fetishes, and take any three. Is there material about that? Somebody should do a bit of programming and a lot of soul-scarring googling and find out how the densities lie. For any two, the answer is, obviously there is material, well duh; but any three? Or suppose you take two fetishes and a random third word?

Is there, say, Volcano Blonde Lesbianism? (How do you process that? Is “volcano blonde” a type of a person? Or does “volcano” indicate a new sex act? Do you need specifically blondes for it? Oh ghod, this is girls and cups again isn’t this.)

If I had the resources (“…to the Kickstarter!”?), I would start up a company whose goal would be to provide such random-generated entertainment. Two fetishes and a random word, guaranteed perplexing and hot! “Redhead Bukkake with Pears!”

“Asian Legs on the Ground!”

“Nun Nurse and an Ultrasound!”

“Domination Watersports…and a Wren!”

The obvious problem is that any word sounds like a sexual euphemism in this context. (“U hur hur, I’d sure like to ultrasound her abdominal wall, if ya know what I mean.” — “Doctor Jones, please.“)

But hey, that’s a psychology research project: “What is this word a sexual euphemism for, in your opinion? After surveying 20k people and over 5k words, we found the highest penile density among rod-like objects, confirming our first hypothesis. Of the surveyed politicians, ‘Mitt Romney’ was most frequently seen as an euphemism for—”

(I don’t need to write that. “Mitt”, for crying out loud. The only mystery is what kind of a perverse modifier “Romney” is.)

(As in, “My boyfriend was away, so I had to mitt myself.” — “Did you mitt romney yourself too?” — “Ew no, that is disgusting. Did you and yours ron a paul last night?” — “Oh, go rick santorum!”)

(Coming out next fall, “I Cheneyed All Over His Bush: US Presidents, Presidential Hopefuls and Political Figures as Sexual Euphemisms: Essays in Interpretation”, from Oxford Cambridge Yale Harvard Yale Double Harvard University Press!)