Ad calling and church spam

Here’s a great business idea: Free browser-based Internet calling to actual telephone numbers!

Free is offset by that fact that, two minutes into the call, a harsh, metallic, Russian voice intrudes into the call and starts robotically extolling the virtues of black-market sexual enhancers.

“Press two to learn more! Press two for very hard potency!”

“Like I was saying, Lorraine—”

“Do you suffer from sexual inadequacy?”

“—went to France and—”

“Do your penises feel small?”

“Look, I’ll call you back.”

*

Here’s another: Church spam. The problem with spam is, even if people get to see it, they’re not inclined to take it seriously. Thus, for better uptake, you need to find a less hardened audience.

“What is the purpose of your visit into the Republic of Offensive African Stereotype, Mr. Johnson?”

“That’d be Rev. Johnson. I come to preach the good news to those who have not heard it before!”

“Oh. Christian-type good news?”

“Indeedy! The Church of Jesus the Man O Man of Nazareth. May your loins never grow old!”

“I’m sure they won’t, Mr. Johnson.”

“No, sorry, that’s a part of the official name. Do I need to open this crate of prayer creams?”

“Beads?”

“Creams. Very affordable; very efficient. Works like a miracle; three for the price of one!”

“And the next crate?”

“Wheatgrass juice. Highly sacramental.”

“Mental alright. The next is host, right, Reverend?”

“Kind of. Sailor scout cookies.”

“What, like the cartoon?”

“No, like the quality product, available through us only, by exclusive monolatrous arrangement with the Christian Sailors and Girl Scouts Federation of America International Consecrated. Blessed by three Popes!”

“Look, do you really think you… oh, you have a pyramid behind that cross.”

“For Christ the Marketer, who had thirteen first-level recruits!”

“Look, this all looks like shady business.”

“Ought to! With these prices I’m practically crucifying myself! Look, you seem a bright chap; come in at the entry level now, and you’ll be a bishop in no time, with an option for cardinality if your recrui… er, conversions keep up! Convert two of your friends, they convert two each, a couple of levels and you’re set for life, and the life after!”

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