Short bits

So how exactly do you make a phone number into a pay-to-call number? Because I’d like mine to be one; it would be useful extra income.

“Hullo, Dad. No, you’re not interrupting anything. Let me tell in great length what I’ve been up to lately…”

*

A game: “X implants”.

What word is the most ominous X you can think of? What about the most hilarious X?

I propose “chastity” and “sloth” (as in, the animal).

*

Wait: a secluded, scenic lair, skulking henchmen, a factory, a black-and-white morality, a world-embracing plan for the Big Day… clearly Santa is a supervillain.

“Oh”, you say, my dear naive reader, “but he’s a jolly chap! He just gives presents to children!”

That is the exact core of his cynical evil.

Has anyone ever asked what Santa means by “naughty” or “nice”? Haven’t you noticed even the most rotten little bastards get heapfuls of presents, if their parents just are rich? Indeed, the amount of loose money the parents have correlates very, very strongly with the amount and quality of presents their children receive; and a lot of that money seems to go missing just before Christmas.

There can be only one conclusion.

Santa is running a protection racket.

Don’t want your children to be unpopular when Christmas Day rolls in? Don’t want them to be thought naughty, do you? Then, dear parent, why don’t you slip Santa a bit of cash and he will “cook the books”…

*

Related to the previous: clearly we need a Commission for Moral Clarity to replace that old villain in red; some international body that will define (or region-code) “naughty” and “nice” so that children know what to do to get as many presents as possible.

This is not cynical, mind you; as per Kohlberg’s stages of moral development, children are at stage two, orientation by self-interest: when given a morality, they ask “what’s in it for me?” Christmas presents have been the obvious solution ever since psychologists took over the world in 1931. (Does this news surprise you? Do you feel uncomfortable? Incredulous? Does it seem there’s something in your mind telling this is not something you want to accept? My point exactly; psychologists are wily.)

As for the Commission, I volunteer; I have strong opinions on a variety of moral issues. “Pelting elderly people with apples. Naughty in the case of multiple apples; for single projectiles, the Supervisor rolls 1d6 and a 1 naughtifies. For gang-pelting, see 404 (b) sec 4 para 4–11.”

*

To further harp on the same thing, tell me this o Santa fanboys: who gave him the right to judge your children?

And for those who see no problem in a stranger giving gifts to whoever he chooses: remember that the old-timey Santa also brought bundles of twigs, sacks of coal, the like: that is to say, he was not merely a giver of gifts, but of shame too. Think how the children, the parents, must have felt: little better than if some unaccountable, all-seeing agency had scrawled “SINNERS!” on their door.

The system today is hardly any better: more gifts or less gifts, worse or better gifts still establishes a hierarchy of the naughty and the nice: or rather, of the have-toys and the have-not-toys; the anti-yules and the santaphiles; the poor, dirty, nasty rebels; and the affluent, richly rewarded conformists. Santa’s hand is much longer and stronger than you might suppose; and who defines the morals of a child, rules the adult.

Parent! Before you let Santa give toys to your children, ask yourself what you are getting into. Are your children merely pawns in some social experiment? Is Santa your friend… or your enemy?

*

Some T-shirts you want to wear to an airport, but shouldn’t:

  • my colon contains terrorists (they’re just behind the next bend)
  • I’m nut suspicious!!!
  • Look, I’ve trained my muscles — you try to put something in my ass, I’m keeping it there

*

Q: What’s the connection between mayday (the help signal) and May Day (May 1st)?

A: Well, on May Day there’s drinking and carousing; your common average working people are allowed to get utterly smashed. This used to happen on ships too; and what’s more, as sailors are an unprejudiced, cosmopolitan lot, drunken homosexual orgies were not all that uncommon. (Remember: what happens at sea, likely involves seamen.) Then, as navigation had been neglected during this activity, there would be a distress call—

“Halp, Queenstown! This is Vitfläck out of Gothenburg, and we’re sinking!”

“Huh? Eh? Why? How bad is it?”

“May Day! It’s a total May Day situation! Be quick, somebody’s stolen all the lifeboat bungs and there’s a baboon tied to the rigging!”

“Really, Vitfläck?”

“Really! All the officers are smashed, half the crew is nuts with Viagra and vodka, and there’s a dog with a shotgun at the doorway!

“Sigh. Okay, everyone within range, Vitfläck has a mayday, a total mayday, an utter mayday at co-ordinates—“

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