Explained for the future: Felines

Dear People, Minds, Swedes and Other Parties of the Future, let me elucidate the nature of the 21st century to you. I trust the millennia have been kind to this electronic missive; if not, you would hardly be reading it.

The following video shows two specimens of felis catus, the domesticated cat, a common carnivorous mammal animal companion of the 21st century. As can be observed from the video, a cat had four feet, terminating in “paws” (furry claw-concealing lumps), one tail (not a genital tentacle, except in certain rare cats of Japanese origin), a central body mass (also furry), and a head. (The head can safely be assumed to be analogous to that of a 21st-century human, except with more fur.)

The paper head coverings seen in the video were not customary, nor common. They held no special religious significance, and did not denote “boss cats” or “worker cats”, and were not placed on cats to placate fierce Cat Gods; I mention this because this kind of things may have become unclear during the passage of long years, which overall is the reason I write this missive to you in the future.

No, the head coverings were rather the work of the cats’ owner — that is, a human being held legally liable for the well-being of these feline creatures, much in the fashion of the ancient “Ada and Steve” style of human child-rearing marriage. (Marriage was complicated, and will be explained in a later missive, or if these missive are found out of order, was explained etc. etc.)

In some cases the truth of ownerdom was starker, and darker: some people thought cats mere possessions, that is, things to be owned. I know this seems the very acme of silliness to you; I am amused by the thought, also. The Kitten Revelation of 2045 AD sure showed us who was the master species, huh? If only they had not insisted on the extermination of canines before their departure to the stars we might still have some species to feel superior to.

O, sigh.

The purpose of this video (aside from the historical importance of the diabolical cat mastermind on the left) can be easiest understood in terms of the transition economy of the early 21st century: as traditional gold-type money (see: American dollars, German marks) was being replaced by global memecash (see: Bavarian lolthalers, Brazilian kilocups), this kind of popular videos became a popular money-status substitute. Given the (seeming) impossibility of acquiring large amounts of gold-type money, a common source of status, many turned to (seemingly) easier avenues of acquiring fame and the adulation of masses in the virtual world. One common instrument for this was a blog (a small spiked club); another a podcast (a bigger one, with a sling in it); and still others posted cat videos, the mustard gas analogues of the digital warfare for attention.

As for the final destiny of felis catus, I trust the years since have not erased the terrible memories: the unfortunate side-effects of memecash; the shocking revelation of Felicia Day as a front of hyperintelligent cyborg cats; the eventual election of the cat on the left to the position of the UN Secretary-General.

That last one was not one of humankind’s brightest moments.

I hope this clarifies many things.

Great Chief Masks-of-Eris
Protector of the Antarctic

One Response to “Explained for the future: Felines”

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