Short bits, vulgar edition

Nena’s 99 Luftballons is a very polite song. It begins with, in German, “If you would have a bit of time for me, I would like to sing a song at you”.

Then again, most songs would not be improved by the vocalist beseeching the audience to, pray, listen carefully.

“Hi! Nice to see you! Look, if you don’t have anything pressing to do or be at the moment, I have a story. Please allow me to introduce myself: I am a man of wealth and taste…”

*

(Me and my brother, once upon time.)

My brother the physicist: —so water is a horrible example of gas-liquid-whatsit because it’s a special case unlike almost any other stuff your could choose!

Me the mathematician: Well, all cases are special cases.

Brother: Whuh?

Me: If you have two cases that are not special but similar, you can collapse them into the same case, which will then be just one more special case.

Brother: Ah?

Me: Like with functions. If there’s any group which is not “special” in some sense, you’re clearly doing something horribly wrong and should collapse that group into one single function. All cases are special cases!

Brother: …talking to you mathematicians gives me brain cancer.

*

Increasingly Vulgar Pitfalls of Finnish, pt. 1

The Finnish: “Kuusi. Kusi.”

How it reads: “Spruce. Piss.”

Why it is funny: Because, as you know, vowels and vowel length are the most difficult part in speaking a new language. And the latter word will not be in your learner material. No, that’ll have tuli/tuuli — fire (the hot burny thing) / wind (the blowing thing) — but not this one, and then you will be getting puzzled looks.

*

(Me and my brother, roughly twice every year.)

Me: —so, as was said by that famous mathematician, Isaac Newton—

Brother: Waidaminit! Newton was a physicist!

Me: —who also dabbled in, ah, was it optics or something?

Brother: (rageface)

*

Hey, that’s it. If I ever need a rapper name, that’s it.

Brother Rageface.

*

Increasingly Vulgar Pitfalls of Finnish, pt. 2

“Hän nai rakkaansa. Hän nai rakastaan.”

How it reads: “S/he married her/his beloved. S/he fucked her/his beloved.”

Why it is funny: Because the verb is the same; it’s the case of the object that determines whether your action is romantic or carnal.

*

Twitter would be a lot more exciting if every midnight the Twittery Overlords rolled, er, 4d6 (four six-sided dice), added the results, multiplied that with ten, and for the next 24 hours that’d be the maximum tweet length.

“The new length is: 40. It is this much.”

“To be known: the new maximum length of tweets is 240 characters, which (for this is a self-illustrating example of which we have each & every ready, for all possible values of 4d6) is quite exactly and without abnormal waffling, this much.”

*

Increasingly Vulgar Pitfalls of Finnish, pt. 3

“No olipa kestävät hanskat. Meni rikki kun vedin käteen.”

How it reads: “Well these were durable gloves. Broke the moment I pulled them onto my hands.”

Why it is funny: Because “to pull sthng onto/into your hands” is the most widespread youthful euphemism for male masturbation.

*

Idea: A book, published as an ebook, which is “a blog”. That is, a novel whose text is the blog of a character. So once you “open” the ebook, it shows you the latest (last?) entry; from then on, it’s intrablog links and trawling the chronological archives for the reader: given how blog archives work, a Memento of a novel.

Which has the big minus of it being a bother to read, especially if you don’t follow the reverse chronological order. (But — a heavy phrase underlined to mean a link — and the link says “This entry doesn’t exist anymore.” And the comments!)

Youtube has this kind of things as faux “video diaries”, whose comments are from the readers, and now and then from a character; for example, Marble Hornets, which I’ve watched 4% of but nobody will know because I will drop the link like I know all about it.

Dracula, the original novel, was diary snippets and letters. There are novels written in text-speak, I suppose there’s a wiki “novel” somewhere (wait, there probably should be a new name for such massively non-linear narratives), a Serious Novelist has been involved in making a text adventure (Robert Pinsky, Mindwheel), I’m a banana if there isn’t a novel that’s all e-mails… but for the loopy new possibilities, reverse chronological and branching and game-like tales, there should also be a new kind of plot: less “from A to B” or even “from A to B_i where i \in \{1,\ldots,n\}” and more “let’s wander around until you get it“.

Would that be the kind of a plot which popped up a note that you’ve seen all “major plot points” so while you can still go on reading, the author’s presented the main points of his tale at you now, and hopefully you liked it, huh? “Book over: close / continue?”

*

Increasingly Vulgar Pitfalls of Finnish, pt. 4

In the Finnish unusual images community there’s orbiting a picture of an unsuspecting lady’s Facebook picture cluster, titled “Kuvia kullistani”. This, for a person with a clean, nice, decent mind, is “pictures of my darlings”, darlings in plural, in the proper case.

If, on the other hand, you have a less than decent mind, and assume the second word is in singular, not plural, and in the proper case, it reads “pictures of my cock”.

The pictures, as far as they were included in that screencapture, were of dogs.

One Response to “Short bits, vulgar edition”

  1. Bob O'Hara (@BobOHara) Says:

    If you want to read a non-linear narrative, you should dig out a copy of Tristram Shandy, which is rather as you describe.

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