Triple Hobbit

So Peter Jackson said there will be three Hobbit films, not two.

Some Tolkien fans are frothing mad about this; I am just amused by their froth. Some fans seem to be saying: “Well, three movies for LotR, three for Hobbit, obviously Hobbit will be filler-ed into disaster!”

I’d rather say the Lord of the Rings was, um, abbreviated quite strongly.

I myself feel one film would have been very bad for the Hobbit, two was good, and I’m willing to be persuaded there’s enough stuff for three.

Let me calculate a bit; I’ll try to, out of memory, list memorable “scenes” from the book.

  1. Bilbo and Gandalf
  2. The Dwarves arrive
  3. A party, and some history
  4. Legends, maps, fainting, etc.
  5. A hobbit wakes up, runs out, gets wet
  6. A hobbit outfoxes some trolls
  7. Trolls’ loot
  8. Rivendell
  9. Even more Rivendell
  10. A storm in the mountains; shelter
  11. Orcs; orcs; orcs!
  12. Riddles in the dark
  13. As if you’d get rid of Gollum this easy
  14. Reunited with the – orcs; orcs!
  15. Up in a tree, throwing pinecones
  16. Eagles! And non-edible Hobbits!
  17. Towards Beorn
  18. At Beorn’s
  19. Towards Mirkwood; bye, Gandalf!
  20. The Enchanted Stream
  21. Meanwhile with the wizards (not in the book obviously, but probably in the movie)
  22. Why did it have to be spiders?
  23. Why did it have to be spiders? II
  24. Utterly lost; hey, elves!
  25. Surrender or die, dwarven scum!
  26. Bilbo Baggins, the mound’s thief-in-chief
  27. Meanwhile with the wizards, part two (see point 21)
  28. Escape from the elf-mound!
  29. Barrels into Esgaroth
  30. Our fair city welcomes… sodden dwarves?
  31. Our fair city… hey, Stephen Fry?
  32. Meanwhile, there’s something in that there mountain…
  33. Go and kill that dragon already
  34. That’s no mountain… wait, maybe it is
  35. Where’s the door?
  36. That’s so raven
  37. Bilbo goes downhill
  38. Bilbo comes back flaming quick
  39. Smaug is somewhat peeved; renovates mountain
  40. Battle of Esgaroth: Fire in the sky
  41. Meanwhile inside the Mountain
  42. Battle of Esgaroth: Bard saves the day
  43. Arkenstone! My precious… oh wait, wrong object
  44. The restored king
  45. Oh great, there are dwarves in my treasure
  46. A thief in the night
  47. Thorin has an apoplexy
  48. The battle looms
  49. Battle of Five Armies: lots of orcs
  50. Battle of Five Armies: crazy bear fighting!
  51. Battle of Five Armies: as if you’d sleep through this
  52. Some dead dwarves
  53. Sappy epilogues
  54. Meanwhile with the wizards, a flashback
  55. Sappy epilogues, part two

If we assume 5 minutes for each of these, that’s 58 x 5 min = 290 min = 4 h 50 min, with the assumption that the added Gandalf-all-alone plot (“Meanwhile with the wizards”) is done in 15 minutes, which is silly really. Add 20 more minutes to that (Galadriel: “And my axe!”), 10 minutes to Bilbo riding a flaming wolf off a cliff and into a river (Thorin: “I didn’t mean that when I said, ‘Put that wolf out!'”), 10 more minutes for armored battle trolls and dealing with them (Beorn: “Now let me exercise my right to… bear arms!“), 5 minutes for an Aragorn-cameo (“I am a person of great import to a plot, though not this one. Now romance and hot elf sex; see you later, hobbit.”), 10 minutes for a Frodo-cameo/frame-story (“But you said you went to Croydon with the tennis club, Uncle Bilbo!”)… and that starts going towards six hours, and (with the credits) three movies.

I think.

(The news came via Boing Boing.)

2 Responses to “Triple Hobbit”

  1. Álvaro Freitas (@alvarofritas) Says:

    Mr. Masks, I have translated this post into brazilian portuguese for the purpose of sharing it with a private LotR-fans mailing list I’m part of. Is that alright? I guess I should’ve asked it beforehand, but it’s not getting distributed elsewhere, and in any case, it’s just so that the non-english-speakers in the list get a better translation than that provided by Google Translate. Let me know.

  2. Masks of Eris Says:

    Alvaro: It’s alright!

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