Liza writes to Santa (fiction)

Dear Mr. Claus,

I am writing to you regarding my neighbor, John Van Zaenz (8). I do understand most of the letters you receive are selfish, but in this case I would appreciate an exception, and be delighted if you could provide the chainsaw Mr. Van Zaenz has expressed a wish for.

Yours,

Liza Vanderwaals (9)

*

TO SANTA CLAUS!

— killer mecha 30 feet tall
— lazer eyes
— batman dvd
— chain saw
— NO CLOTHES GIRL TOYS OR LIQQUU RISE!!!

john vanzaenz
8 yrs 11 months
13 days and mom
says 2.5 hours old

*

From: The Office of Santa
To: Head Toy Elf
Subject: Chainsaw? (Ticket #90145107)

See title. You do?

S.

*

From: Head Toy Elf
To: The Office of Santa
Subject: Re: Chainsaw? (Ticket #90145107)

Sketch attached. Okay?

Gr., HTE

*

From: The Office of Santa
To: Kentucky Elf Corps Field HQ
Subject: Persons in tick. #90145107

Please discreetly confirm if requested chain saw is supposed to be plastic, bright colors, funny growling noises or the Black-n-Decker “Dad variety”.

(on behalf of S.)
Sm., Elf 2nd Class

*

From: Sgt. Candy Cane, KEC-FHQ
To: The Office of Santa
Subject: Re: Persons in tick. #90145107

Cpl. Rattan Cane impersonated a wandering Mall Santa and inquired. The subject confirmed the chainsaw should be, quote, “like seven feet long with flames and skulls painted on it and long teeth and horns and growl like a big car and cut everything and walls”.

Epic “Dad variety”, right?

C. Cane, KEC

*

From: The Office of Santa
To: United States Central Elf Department, Office of Quality
Subject: What the fuck

See attached message. “Wandering Mall Santa”? Whose idea is this? What next? Rudolf convalescing from nose surgery? Casual Grinch impersonator? Put a stop to this stupid disguise shit or I’ll let Krampus loose.

S.

*

From: The Office of Santa
To: Head Toy Elf
Subject: Re: Re: Chainsaw? (Ticket #90145107)

See attached message. Don’t spare chrome, rivets, sharp edges, spikes, the like. Let’s give the little bleeder what he wants.

(on behalf of S.)
Sm., Elf 2nd Class

*

From: The Office of Santa (E-mail Division)
To: Smallcloth Wringy, Elf 2nd Class
Subject: WARNING

This is an automated warning. As per a decree of 11/1991,   ”   bleeder  ” is not acceptable internal nomenclature for our customers, no matter how much they may feel like that at times. Please refrain from its future use or face the Krampus Sanction.

MAILER DAEMON
do not reply

*

From the desk of Liza Vanderwaals (9 years old)

Dear neighbor,

I found a dead lizard on my pillow today. Would you have any knowledge pertaining to this unpleasant discovery?

Yours,

Liza Vanderwaals (9)

PS. How was your Christmas present intake this year?

*

lisie,

you is unpleasant intake yousself
I HAZ A CHAIN SAW RRRR
RRRRR R RRRRR

john vanzaenz

*

From the desk of Liza Vanderwaals (9 years old)

Dear new neighbor,

Permit me to introduce myself via this letter, as I am terribly busy with schoolwork and philological research. I am a student of the human nature, and helpful to those who are courteous and honest in their dealings. I do not like gross or loud, irritating boys.

I am sure you must be disoriented, moving to a new location so early in the year, and to a house that has suffered such an outlandish tragedy so recently. (For details, please consult your parents or the archives of the local newspaper, viz. “Ill-Considered Gift Rips A Local Family Apart”, Dec. 28 of last year)

Please write back with an honest description of yourself, and we may be the best of friends eventually.

Yours,

Liza Vanderwaals (9)

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