Star Trek: Into Chaotic Evil

Saw the second new Star Trek movie. It was a crock of steaming shit and I hated it.

The plot was as follows: James Tiberius Kirk is a Chaotic Evil loose cannon in whom egotism and irresponsible gut-thinking are made flesh. Spock Johnson is a naive Lawful Good creature of logic and order that tries to keep Kirk out of trouble and keeps failing. We are introduced to the two as Kirk is escaping from a temple he just burgled, stealing the most important relic in it; probably for the shits and giggles. Spock, meanwhile, is doing something useful, trying to protect the temple people from an exploding volcano.

A volcano that, we are told, would destroy the planet if it exploded. This may be a huger volcano than we see, then, or a very small planet, but it is more likely the writers don’t know what they’re talking about and don’t care.

Things then go wrong, and Spock gets trapped inside the volcano. The volcano is being stopped and the natives are saved, no matter what happens; but Spock is in trouble and prepared to die. Kirk then decides that Spock’s not the boss of Spock, he is; he wants to save Spock, one person, and does so by breaking a rule that is in place to protect entire sentient species and which is the single most important commandment of the organization he is a high-level supposedly mature member of; and by risking who knows how many lives, the entire crew of his ship, by zooming into that volcano in full view of the natives.

No biggie, Kirk; who cares if the white-skinned savages develop a few genocidal apocalypse cults and unspeakable cultural traumas because of this. It’s not like you’re trying to help them or… oh.

Kirk then lies about this to his superiors, is all flippant about this all, and then has the infernal temerity to act surprised and hurt when Spock and his superiors don’t approve.

The same thing happens throughout the whole movie: Kirk does stupid, illogical, outrageous stunts, and since he has a strong friend in the screenwriters, he succeeds. If at any point reality intruded, Kirk and all whose lives depend on him would be a wet speck on a wall, and the name of James Tiberius Kirk would be curse word for a thousand generations. One would think Spock would have begun to logically suspect the hand of some supra-celluloidal would-be God in all this.

But anyhow.

The plot of the movie is the corruption of Spock, a Lawful Good pacifist, into a fist-swinging, hunch-jumping, mouth-breathing brute like Kirk. The movie ends with Kirk mockingly reading a statement of obviously ghostwritten PR pap to an adoring audience, showing that he has corrupted and hoodwinked not just Spock but the whole Starfleet; it is almost inevitable that he will lead the organization down to war, violence and chaotic evil, and once his Satanic luck runs out, humanity will be finished.

Also there was someone called Khan; we didn’t hear much about who he was or what he wanted. Such a pity; he seemed an interesting person. I suppose the motivations of antagonists are unimportant enough to be relegated to prequel comics or something these days. (By the way: Khan surrenders to Kirk, who is supposed to be a trained officer of a paramilitary organization, a man of command rank and responsibility, a mature adult. Once Khan is disarmed, Kirk assaults him, punches and kicks him enough to kill a lesser man a couple of times. Kirk’s subordinates look and shift uncomfortably; clearly in this crew you don’t mess with the captain, no matter how despicable and out of control he is. Possibly this has happened before; the crew knows where those shallow graves are.)

As for other characters, there was Spock’s girlfriend, who was just hilarious in cringing and acting scared and being, like, an emotional girl because that’s hilarious because Spock is, like, a rational man. Also there were some guys with cartoonish accents. And this blonde woman whose excuse for sneaking into the plot was too stupid to be repeated here.

So: my summation of the movie is that it is ruined once by implausible, absurd and stupid plotting; ruined twice by Kirk being a horrid little arse — what kind of a lesson is it that the film starts with Kirk being chided for his God complex, and ends with showing, not telling, that yea in J. Tiberius Kirk we have a strong and infallible God indeed? — ruined thrice by the usual endless cavalcades of boring action where nothing is at stake because the movie’s makers are cowards, cowards because obviously nobody can die without a weepy farewell scene so so much for the drama of zooming around tight spots; and ruined for the final time by the film cheating us out of the only touching moment in the movie: the supposed death of its villain, James Tiberius Kirk.

I haven’t seen any of the original Star Trek movies, but I think Spock dies in the Star Trek II movie, which is the Khan-cometh movie in a different continuity. There the makers chicken out only in the next movie, and make him come back. Here there isn’t even that small amount of courage; and knowing this, the Kirk-death scene has no real emotional punch: try feeling something when you’re muttering “as if you ever would” over and over again, and you’re painfully aware of the obvious method of his resurrection.

I hope he got some brain damage before they woke him up. That way in the next film he would have an excuse for being a brat.

In summary: The reboot Star Trek was a so-and-so film. Star Trek Into Darkness was a die-Kirk-die film. Now if you excuse me, I have a date with a goat, a knife, a stack of black candles and a portrait of Damon Lindelof, who wrote this crock of shit.

2 Responses to “Star Trek: Into Chaotic Evil”

  1. Charles Welch Says:

    Spock was corrupted fairly early in the film as he broke the Prime Directive in helping to stop the Mini-Cano. In any event I encourage the use a dull knife or an infected goat for a little extra oomph…

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