Epic spam comment, answered

Courtesy of Mr. “Harbour Records’ Guestbook”, this epic spam comment:

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I am curious to find out what blog system you are using? I’m having some minor security problems with my latest site and I’d like to find something more safe. Do you have any suggestions?

Hmm it appears like your website ate my first comment (it was super long) so I guess I’ll just sum it up what I submitted and say, I’m thoroughly enjoying your blog. I too am an aspiring blog blogger but I’m still new to everything. Do you have any tips and hints for beginner blog writers? I’d really appreciate it.

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Hello would you mind letting me know which web host you’re utilizing? I’ve loaded your blog in 3 different internet browsers and I must say this blog loads a lot faster then most. Can you suggest a good web hosting provider at a honest price? Thanks, I appreciate it!

Superb website you have here but I was wanting to know if you knew of any message boards that cover the same topics discussed in this article? I’d really like to be a part of community where I can get comments from other experienced people that share the same interest. If you have any recommendations, please let me know. Kudos!

Hey there! This is my 1st comment here so I just wanted to give a quick shout out and tell you I genuinely enjoy reading through your blog posts. Can you recommend any other blogs/websites/forums that deal with the same subjects? Appreciate it!

Do you have a spam issue on this site; I also am a blogger, and I was curious about your situation; many of us have created some nice procedures and we are looking to exchange methods with other folks, why not shoot me an email if interested. Please let me know if you’re looking for a author for your weblog.

You have some really good posts and I believe I would be a good asset.
If you ever want to take some of the load off, I’d absolutely love to write some content for your blog in exchange for a link back to mine. Please send me an email if interested. Kudos!

Have you ever considered about adding a little bit more than just your articles? I mean, what you say is valuable and everything. Nevertheless think of if you added some great graphics or video clips to give your posts more, “pop”! Your content is excellent but with pics and video clips, this website could undeniably be one of the greatest in its niche. Terrific blog!

Interesting blog! Is your theme custom made or did you download it from somewhere? A design like yours with a few simple tweeks would really make my blog stand out. Please let me know where you got your design. Cheers
Hi would you mind sharing which blog platform you’re using? I’m planning to start my own blog in the near future but I’m having a tough time choosing between [CENSORED]/Wordpress/B2evolution and Drupal. The reason I ask is because your design seems different then most blogs and I’m looking for something unique. P.S Sorry for being off-topic but I had to ask!

Howdy just wanted to give you a quick heads up. The words in your content seem to be running off the screen in Opera. I’m not sure if this is a format issue or something to do with browser compatibility but I thought I’d post to let you know. The style and design look great though! Hope you get the problem fixed soon. Thanks With havin so much content do you ever run into any problems of plagorism or copyright infringement? My site has a lot of exclusive content I’ve either written myself or outsourced but it seems a lot of it is popping it up all over the web without my permission.
Do you know any techniques to help stop content from being stolen?
I’d certainly appreciate it.

Have you ever thought about creating an ebook or guest authoring on other sites? I have a blog based upon on the same topics you discuss and would love to have you share some stories/information. I know my readers would appreciate your work. If you are even remotely interested, feel free to send me an email.
Hi! Someone in my Myspace group shared this site with us so I came to check it out. I’m definitely enjoying the information.

I’m book-marking and will be tweeting this to my followers! Wonderful blog and great design and style.

Awesome blog! Do you have any hints for aspiring writers? I’m planning to start my own site soon but I’m a little lost on everything. Would you advise starting with a free platform like WordPress or go for a paid option? There are so many options out there that I’m completely overwhelmed .. Any suggestions? Thank you!

My developer is trying to convince me to move to .net from PHP. I have always disliked the idea because of the costs. But he’s tryiong none the less. I’ve been using WordPress on a number of websites for about a year and am nervous about switching to another platform. I have heard good things about [CENSORED].net. Is there a way I can transfer all my wordpress content into it?
Any kind of help would be greatly appreciated!

Does your blog have a contact page? I’m having problems locating it but, I’d like to send you an email. I’ve got some suggestions for your blog you might be interested in hearing. Either way, great website and I look forward to seeing it develop over time.

It’s a shame you don’t have a donate button! I’d most certainly donate to this excellent blog!

I guess for now i’ll settle for bookmarking and adding your RSS feed to my Google account. I look forward to new updates and will share this website with my Facebook group. Talk soon!

Greetings from Idaho! I’m bored to death at work so I decided to browse your blog on my iphone during lunch break. I enjoy the information you present here and can’t wait to take a look when I get home. I’m surprised at how fast your blog loaded on my mobile .. I’m not even using WIFI, just 3G .. Anyways, good site!

Hey there! I know this is kinda off topic however , I’d figured I’d ask. Would you be interested in trading links or maybe guest authoring a blog post or vice-versa? My blog discusses a lot of the same subjects as yours and I feel we could greatly benefit from each other. If you are interested feel free to shoot me an e-mail. I look forward to hearing from you! Terrific blog by the way!

At this time it appears like [CENSORED] is the preferred blogging platform available right now. (from what I’ve read) Is that what you’re using on your blog?

Great post however , I was wondering if you could write a litte more on this subject? I’d be very grateful if you could elaborate a little bit further.
Cheers!

Hello there! I know this is kind of off topic but I was wondering if you knew where I could locate a captcha plugin for my comment form? I’m using the same blog platform as yours and I’m having difficulty finding one? Thanks a lot!

When I originally commented I clicked the “Notify me when new comments are added” checkbox and now each time a comment is added I get three emails with the same comment. Is there any way you can remove me from that service? Thanks a lot!

Greetings! This is my first visit to your blog! We are a team of volunteers and starting a new project in a community in the same niche. Your blog provided
us beneficial information to work on. You have done a marvellous job!

Hi! I know this is kind of off topic but I was wondering which blog platform are you using for this site? I’m getting tired of WordPress because I’ve had problems with hackers and I’m looking at alternatives for another platform. I would be great if you could point me in the direction of a good platform.

Hi there! This post could not be written any better! Reading this post reminds me of my old room mate! He always kept chatting about this. I will forward this write-up to him. Fairly certain he will have a good read. Thank you for sharing!

Write more, thats all I have to say. Literally, it seems as though you relied on the video to make your point. You definitely know what youre talking about, why waste your intelligence on just posting videos to your blog when you could be giving us something enlightening to read?

Today, I went to the beach with my kids. I found a sea shell and gave it to my 4 year old daughter and said “You can hear the ocean if you put this to your ear.” She placed the shell to her ear and screamed. There was a hermit crab inside and it pinched her ear. She never wants to go back! LoL I know this is entirely off topic but I had to tell someone!

Today, while I was at work, my cousin stole my iphone and tested to see if it can survive a 40 foot drop, just so she can be a youtube sensation. My iPad is now destroyed and she has 83 views. I know this is entirely off topic but I had to share it with someone!

I was curious if you ever considered changing the page layout of your site? Its very well written; I love what youve got to say. But maybe you could a little more in the way of content so people could connect with it better. Youve got an awful lot of text for only having 1 or two images. Maybe you could space it out better?

Howdy, i read your blog from time to time and i own a similar one and i was just curious if you get a lot of spam remarks? If so how do you prevent it, any plugin or anything you can advise? I get so much lately it’s driving me mad so any help is very much appreciated.

This design is wicked! You definitely know how to keep a reader amused. Between your wit and your videos, I was almost moved to start my own blog (well, almost…HaHa! ) Excellent job. I really enjoyed what you had to say, and more than that, how you presented it. Too cool!

I’m really enjoying the design and layout of your blog. It’s a very easy on the eyes which makes it much more enjoyable for me to come here and visit more often. Did you hire out a developer to create your theme? Fantastic work!

Hey there! I could have sworn I’ve been to this website before but after checking through some of the post I realized it’s new to me. Nonetheless, I’m definitely glad I found it and I’ll be book-marking and checking back often!

Hello! Would you mind if I share your blog with my facebook group?
There’s a lot of people that I think would really appreciate your content. Please let me know. Thanks

Hey there, I think your website might be having browser compatibility issues. When I look at your website in Firefox, it looks fine but when opening in Internet Explorer, it has some overlapping. I just wanted to give you a quick heads up! Other then that, wonderful blog!

Wonderful blog! I found it while searching on Yahoo News. Do you have any tips on how to get listed in Yahoo News? I’ve been trying for a while but I never seem to get there! Thanks

Hi! This is kind of off topic but I need some advice from an established blog. Is it hard to set up your own blog? I’m not very techincal but I can figure things out pretty fast. I’m thinking about setting up my own but I’m not sure where to start. Do you have any points or suggestions? Appreciate it

Howdy! Quick question that’s totally off topic. Do you know how to make your site mobile friendly? My blog looks weird when browsing from my apple iphone. I’m trying to find a theme or plugin that might be able to fix this problem. If you have any recommendations, please share. Thank you!

I’m not that much of a internet reader to be honest but your sites really nice, keep it up! I’ll go ahead and bookmark your website to come back down the road. Cheers

I really like your blog.. very nice colors & theme. Did you make this website yourself or did you hire someone to do it for you? Plz respond as I’m looking to design my own blog and would like to know where u got this from. many thanks

Wow! This blog looks exactly like my old one! It’s on a completely different subject but it has pretty much the same layout and design. Great choice of colors!

Howdy just wanted to give you a quick heads up and let you know a few of the pictures aren’t loading properly. I’m not sure why but I think its a linking issue. I’ve tried it in two different internet browsers and both show the same outcome. Whats up are using WordPress for your site platform? I’m new to the blog world but I’m trying to get started and set up my own. Do you need any html coding knowledge to make your own blog? Any help would be really appreciated!

Hello this is kinda of off topic but I was wanting to know if blogs use WYSIWYG editors or if you have to manually code with HTML. I’m starting a blog soon but have no coding expertise so I wanted to get guidance from someone with experience. Any help would be enormously appreciated!

Hello! I just wanted to ask if you ever have any problems with hackers? My last blog (wordpress) was hacked and I ended up losing months of hard work due to no data backup. Do you have any solutions to protect against hackers?

Hi! Do you use Twitter? I’d like to follow you if that would be okay. I’m absolutely enjoying your blog and look forward to new updates.

Hello! Do you know if they make any plugins to protect against hackers? I’m kinda paranoid about losing everything I’ve worked hard on. Any recommendations?

Hey! Do you know if they make any plugins to help with SEO? I’m trying to get my blog to rank for some targeted keywords but I’m not seeing very good gains. If you know of any please share. Appreciate it!

I know this if off topic but I’m looking into starting my own weblog and was wondering what all is required to get set up? I’m assuming having a blog like yours would cost a pretty penny? I’m not very internet smart so I’m not 100% sure. Any recommendations or advice would be greatly appreciated. Thank you

Hmm is anyone else having problems with the pictures on this blog loading? I’m trying to determine if its a problem on my end or if it’s the blog. Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.

I’m not sure why but this web site is loading extremely slow for me. Is anyone else having this issue or is it a issue on my end? I’ll check back later and see if the problem still exists.

Hi! I’m at work browsing your blog from my new iphone 4! Just wanted to say I love reading your blog and look forward to all your posts! Carry on the fantastic work! Wow that was strange. I just wrote an very long comment but after I clicked submit my comment didn’t show up. Grrrr… well I’m not writing all that over again. Anyways, just wanted to say superb blog!

Thank you for your many incoherent kind words, Mr. “Harbour Records’ Guestbook”. As for your questions:

can you offer guest writers to write content in your case?

No. My case is too small. None of my guest writers fit in it.

Do you ever run into any internet browser compatibility issues?

What do you mean? Mozilla Firefox is the only browser. “There is no browser but Firefox, and rumors to the contrary are evil lies; those that tell them shall be hit in the Ballmer.” (Book of Mozilla, 15:2)

Do you have any suggestions to help fix this problem?

Your raise the balls with one hand, and position the clamp with the other. After a few weeks the balls drop away and— wait, the browser thing? No.

I am curious to find out what blog system you are using?

An overactive imagination, Dunning-Kruger and a fascination with words.

Do you have any suggestions?

You want to come see my collection of old math textbooks, if you know what I mean? I— Wait, was this still about blog systems?

Do you have any tips and hints for beginner blog writers?

Keep at it. If you don’t like it, quit; blog-fame is a happy accident, not something to torture yourself over. (Also, you can write a blog post even if you have nothing to say. Sometimes those are the best posts! Sometimes not.)

Do you mind if I quote a couple of your posts as long as I provide credit and sources back to your blog?

I do not mind. I body.

Hello would you mind letting me know which web host you’re utilizing?

Yahweh.net, the Lord of Hosts.

Can you suggest a good web hosting provider at a honest price?

Sorry, the only one I know is Robert M. Price.

I was wanting to know if you knew of any message boards that cover the same topics discussed in this article?

Well yes, in the Peruvian National Museum, in the Inca Quipu and Message Boards Exhibit: number 156, the flat 5 inches by 20 inches eucalyptus board with red ink and three holes.

Can you recommend any other blogs/websites/forums that deal with the same subjects?

Frankly, no. My blog is the world authority on all subjects. Unfortunately that world is the Fifth World, the world of confusion and terror.

Have you ever considered about adding a little bit more than just your articles?

I do not add articles. I multiply my articles, as a good mathematician must.

Is your theme custom made or did you download it from somewhere?

Let me just give you a hint: Moon rabbit yookai. Does that answer your question? If not, wait for the night; then they will.

Hi would you mind sharing which blog platform you’re using?

Caffeine?

[D]o you ever run into any problems of plagorism or copyright infringement?

I had plagorism way back when I was a child. My arm turned blue to the elbow! And birds flew from under my nails! The doctor said she had never seen such a case of plagorism, except for one man who turned into a penguin on one side!

Do you know any techniques to help stop content from being stolen?

I’m more familiar with cons that are held in, you know, actual buildings. Probably because those are more difficult to steal than con tents.

Have you ever thought about creating an ebook or guest authoring on other sites?

Well, I’m 800 pages into an Erisian holy book at the moment, but much of that is filler. And 300 pages into my memoirs — gotta start when you still remember something — and 150 pages into rewriting a high fantasy story that I hideously and ineptly first wrote when 15, plus a dozen other projects in different stages of stalling, and a basket of yearly NaNoWriMo novels in dire need of editing — so, uh, yes.

Do you have any hints for aspiring writers?

Why’re you asking me? I’m just an aspiring writer myself. If you insist: stay up until it’s late. Then tell yourself you got to write 2000 words before you can sleep. The results can be interesting; the more the more tired you are.

Would you advise starting with a free platform like WordPress or go for a paid option?

WordPress! Blogging, like love, is better when you don’t have to pay for it.

Any suggestions?

Oh baby, have I got suggestions for you.

Is there a way I can transfer all my wordpress content into [CENSORED]?

Yes, but you need a goat, a virgin and a black blade of unspeakable sin. Consult the closest theology department.

Does your blog have a contact page?

Yes; click the link there and in five minutes a silvery saucer will set down on your lawn, and I will come out of it. (For probing and other fun, use the checkbox next to the link.)

Would you be interested in trading links or maybe guest authoring a blog post or vice-versa?

I don’t know how you author a vice-versa! Is it that round French thing with holes in one end?

Is [CENSORED] what you’re using on your blog?

No, you doofus, I’ve never even heard of that thing. Unless it is the nameless thing which haunts my bike shed.

I was wondering if you could write a litte more on this subject?

A litte? A whole litte, you greedy little thing! How much free time do you think I have?

I was wondering if you knew where I could locate a captcha plugin for my comment form?

Try Google Maps; I use it for all my locatin’.

Is there any way you can remove me from that service?

Why would you want to be removed from that service? Are you no longer happy? Do you want to be sad again? Aren’t you a good, decent person? What are you hiding? I think I will report you, just to be sure…

You definitely know what youre talking about, why waste your intelligence on just posting videos to your blog when you could be giving us something enlightening to read?

But… but… you’ve made me sad!

I was curious if you ever considered changing the page layout of your site?

Are you kidding? I’m being paid three pounds of rice a month to keep this layout!

Maybe you could space it out better?

I’m space out enough already.

i was just curious if you get a lot of spam remarks?

Why yes, I do. Sometimes the spammers screw up and puke their whole arsenal of badly written, vaguely positive spam snippets into one single comment, and then I feel I have to polish away their links and mock them. Thank you for asking.

[cont’d] If so how do you prevent it, any plugin or anything you can advise?

Well, for you I advise a big plugin right up your—

Did you hire out a developer to create your theme?

No; my cat has a Ph.D. in industrial design. Not bad for an imaginary feline!

Would you mind if I share your blog with my facebook group?

Does that lowercase facebook mean yours is a book bound in human skin, containing the withered faces of all those who ever defied you? If so, feel free.

Do you have any tips on how to get listed in Yahoo News?

Well, random, quirky acts of violence and crime are the easiest way to get in the news. Dress up as a dog and start clobbering people to death with a nine-foot sausage. You’ll be in Yahoo News in no time!

Is it hard to set up your own blog?

Any idiot can do it! In fact, many do!

Do you have any points or suggestions?

Speaking of suggestions, do you want to see the point I have in my pants for you?

Do you know how to make your site mobile friendly?

Have lots of free space, a little wind (not too much!), and some kind of a hook where you can hang the mobile from.

Did you make this website yourself or did you hire someone to do it for you?

One word: sausage.

Do you need any html coding knowledge to make your own blog?

These days you don’t need any HTML coding knowledge to do anything online. It was different when I was young, let me tell you! We used Notepad to build our websites when I was a boy. We used BLINK tags more than you can believe — eh, you don’t know what a BLINK tag is? Dag nabbit, you whippersnapper, next you’ll be telling me you’ve never heard of the SWALLOW tag!

I just wanted to ask if you ever have any problems with hackers?

No? Though maybe to everyone else this blog has a Goatse for a background; that’s what I would do if I was a hacker and had problems with somebody.

Do you have any solutions to protect against hackers?

The solution of sucrose in dihydrogen monoxide. Feed it to them until they don’t move.

Do you use Twitter?

Yes!

Do you know if they make any plugins to protect against hackers?

No. “They” are controlled by hackers.

Any recommendations?

Well, Scott Lynch is good.

Do you know if they make any plugins to help with SEO?

SEO? The chain of gas stations? How would that even work?

I know this if off topic but I’m looking into starting my own weblog and was wondering what all is required to get set up?

Time, Internet, Space, Energy, Mind, Soul, Reality, Power. THE INFINITY GAUNTLET!

I’m assuming having a blog like yours would cost a pretty penny?

A pretty cent, thank you very much.

Hmm is anyone else having problems with the pictures on this blog loading?

What? You have the problem that the pictures load? Geez, I need to find nicer pictures.

Is anyone else having this issue or is it a issue on my end?

I’m pretty sure all the issues you’ve raised are at your end. Thank you very much, Mr. “Harbour Records’ Guestbook”.

6 Responses to “Epic spam comment, answered”

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