Holy rabbit spirit cow religion!

If I started a religion, it would be silly.

Not that anyone would be allowed to say that; if you’re selling hooey, you gotta insist people respect your hooey; in other words if they say anything negative, you’re gonna get cross, call them violent abusers, and then call for violent abuse unto them. (“If you can’t beat ’em… let your followers beat ’em!”)

For one thing, I’d have sacrifices. Not human sacrifices, though — too much legal trouble. A sacrifice of a goat or a cow would be just fine, though — a circle of screaming, chanting people and a priest with a knife —

No, wait. One has to have something bizarre, just to attract converts and the media. Something better than magic underwear or gobbledygook speaking in languages. Something the youth will like.

Ah!

Imagine a big, empty arena. Cheering worshippers gathered at the edges. A fit young priest sprinting from the center of the arena, leaving behind a bemused-looking cow.

With a few tubes of dynamite strapped to it.

Doctrine: If a piece of the cow lands on you, you’re blessed. And you should wash yourself with holy water before the blood sticks.

Doctrine: It’s not animal abuse, because the cow will ascend to a higher plane of consciousness! (If you disagree, you’re evil atheist scum and should be tortured and killed for hurtfully violating my religion. Besides, I can convey messages from the cows that have gone to the other side — “Mooooh!” — hear, they’re happier there! Mooh! Moo!)

Oh, and priests would have to wear cow skulls as hats — to be pulled down as masks to cover their faces when the rites begin. And there would be dancing around naked, unless you looked real gross or something, and tom-toms, but no drinking because that causes negative vibrations. (Who knows; maybe I’d get some anti-alcoholism organization to endorse me. After all, surely my reasons don’t matter if you agree with my position?)

And vegetarianism would be a sin. (It’s not really a religion unless you rail against some so-called liberal idea.)

This cow-plosion and cow-skull thing needs a theology, though. How about this:

4:4 Cows are not evil, but they’re scary.

4:5 They’re soul sinks. They leech the spirit and vitality out of people,

4:6 and only by opening the cow (cow-plosion!) can the souls be released, to be absorbed by the faithful nearby.

4:7 And the holy residue of those souls, yea, verily, is that which infuses the holy headgear of the priest with an ineffable and bony sacral aura.

(that’d be from the Book of the Holy Cow. Verily.)

As to why cows are soul sinks —

7:1 It has been asked by foul and evil men why these teachings are the eternal truth they are, and further it has been asked why they have not been revealed earlier.

7:2 To this the rabbit spirits of the netherworld have given this answer:

7:3 For everything there is appointed a time, and for this final truth the time has now come.

7:4 Also, one shouldn’t listen to foul and evil men, but instead open one’s heart, yea, and mind, and pockets, and legs even, to the merciful and loving message of the rabbit spirits of the netherworld.

(Book of Animal Concerns, being an Introduction to Cowist Thought)

Clear? Well, maybe the rabbit spirits need some explaining, so I’ll continue this bible-writing.

1:1 In time and outside of time, there have always been and always will be spirits that have the eternal and immutable forms of likewise eternal and immutable archetypes of animals.

1:2 The chief among these are the spirits of lions and horses, but they concern themselves not with the affairs of men, having all passed to the happier hunting grounds, where no living man ever will go.

1:3 Among the other spirits there are spirits of fish and of fowl, and many others, but they likewise, though vast, are cool and indifferent towards men. This is why a swimmer drowns and a walker is stained by the falling refuse of birds.

1:4 The rabbit spirits of the netherworld, which is the world they are in, are the only kind of spirits that feels sympathy and love for mankind, for men are much like rabbits: they breed quickly, are cuddly when young, and can occasionally leap around with big sharp pointy teeth, causing much damage.

[ 1:4b  That is what the rabbit spirits say, anyway. ]

1:5 Thus the rabbit spirits have given these eternal and unquestionable books of certified wisdom to the brightest minds of this pivotal age, even if they know many fools, tyrants and dishonest men will doubt their veracity.

1:6 But this also have the rabbit spirits of the netherworld said: Whoever believes us is blessed and holy and shall one day join us in the bliss of the netherworld, where fluffiness and carrots never cease; but whoever doubts these truths shall ever after be called an utter moron.

1:7 And for that reason, whenever a rabbit spirit skeptic might raise his ugly and hollow head, the faithful shall — if the skeptic be called Jake — term him “Jake (ut.mor.)” to remind themselves that his words are meaningless, made-up and silly, and that he should not be mistaken for a True Believer.

(from the Testament of the Lapine Ghosts)

I predict the first schism will be over whether Lapine 1:1 is compatible with evolution or not. Or dare we suggest rabbit-facilitated transformation, or the RaFT theory? (Whatever floats your, er, raft or boat…)

The second controversy: Given that these revelations to man and mankind are the absolute and clear though a bit cryptic truth, what about women? Disguised ferret spirits from beyond the moon?

And a third: was Jesus was a rabbit spirit in disguise or not? After all, what is one supposed to make of Easter bunnies? And why are “angels” always fluffy beings in white? Indeed, dare we not suppose that…

Ah well; maybe it’s a good thing I don’t have time for this.

(If you need more information about Reformed Rabbit-Spirit Cowism, please call the following number…)